


Ivy Learns About Actual Cats

by Alienea



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: 1 sexual innuendo, I'm putting specific CWs in chapters like . . when things Happen . . ., Lyf (part shrimp), Multi, are there any normal humans here? no, bird raph, cat marius, computer ivy (best for snuggles), dont ask me to explain myself, kidnapping is mentioned but not done!, we're working towards that ivy/raph/marius/lyf folks, whoops new midgard is fucked up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27459637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alienea/pseuds/Alienea
Summary: Ivy refuses to believe that cats knead when cuddling, given that octokittens don't. She also doesn't believe they do the wiggles before pouncing. Clearly the only option available is to head to the nearest planet, find a cat, and show her the truth.Or get thrown in jail and start presenting criminals to the one hot cop in the whole system, which leads to capturing your friend, who helps you capture your third friend.
Relationships: Ivy Alexandria/Raphaella la Cognizi/Lyfrassir Edda/Marius von Raum, Ivy Alexandria/Raphaella la Cognizi/Marius von Raum
Comments: 64
Kudos: 143





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to blame the following people for this: JuanPujolGarcia and epicmusic42. They both know what they did, and what they did was ping pong off of me as we discussed this.

Marius looked at Inspector Lyf pleadingly. “Please? Just one cat? It’s for a bet.”

“No. No, I don’t believe the three of you need a cat.”

Raphaella spoke up from her nest corner. Marius wasn’t sure where she’d gotten all the blankets and pillows, and wasn’t going to ask, because he wanted continued access to nest cuddles. It was warm in there.

“We won’t harm it! But Ivy’s never met a real cat!”

“Yeah! It’s a  _ crime _ , Inspector Lyf! That you can help fix! By bringing in a real cat. I ‘don’t count’,” Marius watched Lyf’s eyebrow twitch as he used finger quotes, “because I’m mostly human.”

“Wait. Back up. You’re part cat?”

“Well, you’re part shrimp, so I don’t see how this is surprising.”

Lyf’s eyebrows twitched. Marius loved it when their eyebrows twitched. Regrettably, his head could not fit through the bars of the cell, so there would be no pouncing.

“You don’t have any cat features!”

Marius grinned with glee. “Oh, don’t I?” He flicked his ears up out of his hair and watched Lyf resign themself to the horrible comedy that was their life. “I’ve also got a tail, but it’ll take a bit to get it out of the belt, so. You’ve got a full three species in this cell! Bird, cat, and computer.”

Lyf looks at their clipboard and then back at Marius.

“Why do you need.” They heave a sigh. “A cat.”

Ivy finally spoke up, wriggling out from under Raphaella’s wings.

“Because Marius keeps on kneading me while we’re cuddling and excusing it by being a cat, when based on my observations of proper cats, he’s just being an asshole.”

“While I won’t deny you’re all very rude, I do have to inform you that cats do in fact knead objects and people when they’re comfortable.”

“See! It’s a compliment! I’m just saying I’m comfortable and enjoying the cuddles!”

“You consistently have your claws out during these interactions, Marius.”

“Back up, he has claws? And cats do that as well.”

Lyf looks very confused, and is no longer standing at attention and perfectly composed. Marius flexes his claws out, only partially to show off. Despite having no proper scratching post, his claws are still well-maintained and sharp. He’s impressive. That’s probably why Lyf is managing to go both pale and flushed at the same time.

“What, dare I ask, is a real cat, then?”

“Not a cat-octopus hybrid! They can’t even knead, they don’t have  _ claws _ ,” Marius huffs. “I’m sure they would if they could.”

“They pat, which is much more polite. If you could just learn to pat like a proper cat, Marius, we wouldn’t be in jail.”

Marius pouts at Ivy.

“We wouldn’t be. But someone insisted that we had to meet a real cat, and all possible outcomes that weren’t going to find a real cat were going to lead to you sulking and moaning around the ship. And put your claws away, Marius, you’re scaring the Inspector.”

Marius pouts more. He’s being impressive! He’s showing off and surely Lyf appreciates it. He’s had  _ plenty _ of opportunities to kill them, after all, and he hasn’t.

“Well!” Marius whips back around to listen to Lyf, ears perked up and tail twitching a bit around his belt. He puts his claws back in, just in case. “Let’s negotiate, then. What you’ll all do if I bring in a cat? Opening offer: no killing new officers for three weeks, no escaping for a month, and no violins for at least two weeks.”

Raphaella took over for negotiations, and Marius snuggled back up into the nest. He did his part of getting Lyf’s attention and being impressive at them, and now someone else could do the actual negotiation. She wrapped a wing around him and he gently nudged her with his head to start getting the good pets as he preened her wings.

Raphaella gave some of the best pets. Ivy was pretty good too. Pretty much anyone was better than Jonny, who had to be fought before he’d let himself be tender. Marius stretched out and looked at Lyf through his eyelashes as he preened Raphaella to see if they were noticing how good of a partner he was.

They were in fact maintaining eye contact with Raphaella, but they were flushed, so Marius decided to take that as a win and settled in to purr loudly against Raphaella and Ivy so that they could hear what they were missing.

Eventually he managed to roll on top of Ivy, who was the best to nap on top of, even if she did complain about it. It wasn’t his fault she was warm and he could listen to the quiet fans of her brain and pass right out. Besides. She got the gift of his company and purring. So it was an even trade.

He yawned.

“They’re gone, Marius, and apparently we need to have a discussion about flirting with humans who aren’t immortal.”

Oh gods. Raphaella had a powerpoint out. He was screwed.

\---

Inspector Lyf looked rather too pleased. They were holding a very large cat carrier under one arm. A very large litterbox, food and water bowls, and an oversized cat tree had been installed in the cell while Raphaella, Ivy, and Marius were out.

Maybe Lyf was finally returning his courting gifts?  _ Raphaella _ got pillows and blankets (she’d finally spilled her source) for capturing other criminals, but Marius got nothing. Maybe they’d just finally figured out something. He could explain he didn’t need anything but a scratching post, really.

But the carrier was moving a bit in their arms, and making concerning hissing noises. Marius could feel his freed tail puffing out as he hissed back. Lyf just looked amused. Betrayal. They unlocked and slid open an also newly-installed cat flap and put the carrier up against it before opening it.

What Ivy would later tell them was thirty pounds of angry New Migardian Forest Cat launched himself out of the carrier and right onto Marius’s face as Lyf laughed. Regrettably, Marius did not have the time to pout at them for this betrayal before the cat saw Raphaella move her wings and launched at her, sensing prey. Marius scrambled to defend her, and Raphaella scrambled to defend herself, and in the end the two of them ended up magnetized to the ceiling, held in place by Raphaella’s wings as Ivy cooed softly at the cat and Lyf kept on laughing.

Betrayal. Marius could no longer thrive in this place. He was going to pack his non-existent bags and move out with Raphaella. Ivy was fraternizing with the enemy, and Lyfrassir was laughing.

Raphaella hugged him close, so that did make being stuck on the ceiling better. The enemy was purring in Ivy’s lap and occasionally attempting to bat at his tail. Marius hissed at him again, and got a very smug and challenging noise in return. Lyfrassir had fallen over laughing.

“Inspector Lyf, I bring you criminals and you bring me an enemy? A murderous fiend? A rival?” 

Raph petted him. Marius did not calm down. He was surrounded by traitors.

“He’s just a cat, Marius. I’m sure that Vermillion will be out of your way shortly.”

“He’s not even red! He’s orange-y brown.”

Ivy was scratching behind the enemy’s ears and cooing at him while he kneaded her lap. Oh. This could not stand.

“Oh, such a sweet kitty, aren’t you? So lovely... your claws are so very sharp, and your reflexes are so good!”

Marius whined quietly. Ivy ignored him in favor of the enemy. Rank betrayal. Marius was going to leave. Raphaella was doing something with her wings and the bars of the cell, and hopefully that would help with escaping. He wasn’t paying attention. Vermillion had challenged him to a staring contest, and he couldn’t exactly turn that down without being a coward and freely ceding his people to this enemy cat. Lyf was watching Ivy and Vermillion, so Raphaella’s slow removal of the bars wasn’t being noticed. They started slowly shuffling out along the ceiling.

“Vermillion here was just recently found on the streets, so I figured he would be a good example of Marius’s possible actions.” Marius barely held in an offended gasp. He was so much better than that housecat. “As you can see, they do knead. It’s also called making biscuits. It just means that they love you, as far as anyone knows.”

Raphaella shuffled them around a corner before Ivy could respond, which was for the best, because Marius was hurt.

“Right. I’m going to go take down a mob.”

“Can we at least pick a new place to build a nest while you do that first?” Raphaella frowned at him. “I need soothing preening while I figure out new gifts so that Lyfrassir won’t bring that horrid enemy cat back into our cell. Attacking me! You didn’t do that!” 

Marius preened a bit, smug.

“I’m smarter. Also, you were- and are- beautiful, and weren’t being rude to me.”

“Mm, I did stab you with some feathers, be fair.”

“Well, that was just hot, though.” Marius casually ripped out someone’s throat as they started to try and call out that the two prisoners had escaped. He shook the gore off of his claws. “It’s not like it killed me.”

“Fair. Alright, so, new nest, comfort cuddles, and then you can go take down a mob. I can help arrange them artistically for presentation to Lyfrassir, if you want?”

“Sure.” Marius snaps his fingers, remembering something. “Oh, weren’t you going to go track down some other scientists? We could put them in the center. Like a fun centerpiece.”

“Good idea! Alright. Plan set, let’s go.”

Raphaella pulled a feather out and flicked it on, revealing that it was one of the ones that heated up and cut through metal. Marius settled in, ready to kill reinforcements as they got alerted. They were a good team! Marius was excellent at guarding her back, and she was excellent at the fiddly bits, and together they did excellent jobs of breaking out, or in, to various places. It was better with Ivy, but apparently she was a rank traitor who would pet any cat.

At least he and Raph found a nice rich person’s home to take over and hole up in so that they could have some comforting petting and preening that night. Marius  _ was _ going to prove that he was better than that common housecat. There was no way Vermillion could take down a whole mob as a present for Lyf. Marius started mentally flicking through possible groups as he cuddled Raph, purring softly and planning his rampage for the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that more has been revealed: epicmusic42 did originate catboy Marius, but hasn't posted anything yet, I believe?


	2. Chapter 2

Lyf has been having the weirdest possible time of their life ever since Marius von Raum started committing crimes in this star system. They could hear muffled groaning and shouting coming from outside their door, and did not care for it. They had not cared for it since the first time he started trussing up criminals and leaving them for Lyf to take care of. It was so much fucking paperwork. What had they done to deserve this? Besides getting forced into being a cop.

They poured themself a cup of coffee and downed it. Okay. Now they were ready for whatever was outside their door. Actually. They reach down and scoop up Vermillion, giving him loving pets. They made a good life choice to adopt this cat. He is sweet and cuddly and so loving, and they have no desire to ever stop cuddling him. So they have been taking him in to work so that Alexandria can cuddle him while they can’t. He deserves it. Lyf scritches behind his ears.

“Who’s a good cat? You are... you really are! Yes!” Lyf smooches between his ears. “You don’t give me more paperwork. Or try to escape. You’re the good cat.” 

Vermillion purrs happily as Lyf opens their door. 

The scene in front of them is frankly not the most challenging thing they’ve ever seen, but it is up there. There are many, many men, tied up first to prevent movement and secondly to form a nest-shaped pile. At the center, there’s a bouquet of USBs and hard drives. So this was a combined move from la Cognizi and von Raum. The criminals just scream of von Raum, especially now that Lyf knows that he has fucking claws. Scratched up, bloody, and helpless. The bouquet of information is much more la Cognizi’s style. So apparently bringing a cat into their shared cell meant a lot more than Lyf really felt they had any ability to know.

Maybe they should have introduced Vermillion by putting him in the cell next door? Let him and von Raum get used to each other? That’s what you did for cats, right? Lyf resolves to do research on this. The free cat sitting from Alexandria is worth a lot. They could probably argue that it was cruel to have a cat person in a cell with no other cats. Maybe he was just acting up because of single kitten syndrome. Presumably being a human just meant that cats that weren’t raised with other cats could do even more mischief.

Vermillion licked Lyf’s nose and they heard an indignant gasp.

“You’re  _ living _ with that cat now? What has he done? I bring you criminals for years, and he just gets to move in and start giving you kisses?”

“Shhh, get down!”

Von Raum’s head pops up on the other side of the nest, looking betrayed. Almost exactly like a betrayed cat, actually. La Cognizi pops up and drags him back down.

“Sorry, are the criminals supposed to be gifts? Because they’re just a pain in the neck.”

One of the awake criminals that has been woven into the nest looks vindicated. Von Raum just pops back up, la Cognizi still hanging around his neck, looking shocked.

“Of course they’re gifts! I’m getting rid of criminals before you get put on their cases and have to do it yourself!”

Lyf is struck by a sudden vision of cats presenting dead prey. They’re pretty sure that cats normally do it to try and teach their people how to properly hunt, but this feels a  _ lot _ more like this has all been courting presents, and Lyf promptly boxes up that realization and shoves it in the back of their mental closet for later.

“And then I have to do the paperwork for you breaking out. And calculating how many more life sentences this all is. And processing them. And figuring out how to charge them. Etcetera, etcetera, von Raum, it all adds up! I am spending all my time filling out damn paperwork! I can’t even slack off and watch SpaceTube videos because of the backlog! Not that I ever do so,” they add quickly, “but theoretically.”

Von Raum frowns and finally lets la Cognizi pull him away. Lyf has a sudden vision of their future.

“Do  _ not _ try and do my paperwork for me!”

They hear, in the distance, von Raum yell fuck.

Lyf smooches Vermillion on the forehead. 

“You maintain the status of best cat, dear Vermillion.”

Vermillion purrs.

\---

Alexandria is amused when Lyf begins renovating the cell next to hers into a cat paradise.

“You realize that most of those toys Marius won’t play with on principle, right, Inspector?”

“They’re not for von Raum. That’s what the new scratching post is for.” They got a very large, more human sized scratching post put into the cell. It had involved an argument with their superiors about how they did, in fact, need to provide the necessities for the prisoners, and just discovering a new one did not mean it could be ignored just because he’d been going without for so long.

“Hmm. Well, Raphaella and I appreciate it. Just because we’re immortal doesn’t mean we enjoy being his scratching posts. Does Vermillion not have enough space in your own home?”

Alexandria is happily dragging a toy along the floor and watching Vermillion wiggle before pouncing. Lyf gets caught up in watching as they turn to answer her.

“Inspector?”

“Oh. Right.” Lyf drags themself back to work. “No, Vermillion has enough space, I just thought I could introduce von Raum and Vermillion properly. So that they won’t be fighting whenever von Raum and la Cognizi are back in jail. Just getting used to each other.”

Alexandria starts laughing. Vermillion huffs in annoyance and comes to sit on Lyf’s back while they’re leaning over getting this cell set up. Lyf resigns themself to their fate as cat furniture. Vermillion settles in and starts purring as Lyf moves as little as possible before giving up and just lying down.

“So are there any other cat things I should be requisitioning in order to avoid... human animal hybrid cruelty?”

“No, this is good. Although I believe that Marius will argue that this is cruelty anyways, given you’re nailing the catflap shut.”

Lyf pauses in the middle of doing so.

“Space Jackson Galaxy says that I shouldn’t let them interact until they’ve had time to get used to each other’s smells and hearing each other and all.”

“I want you to know I’m going to make fun of Marius so much when this works,” Alexandria tells them. “If only because this is definitely going to work. Although I do suggest not telling him what you are doing, because there is then a 73.2% chance that he will make it not work out of sheer stubbornness and a desire to prove that he can overcome cat instincts. However, given the human inability to overcome instincts, this will ultimately prove futile and just upset everyone. Including Vermillion. Who does not deserve that! You good cat...” She trails off into quiet praise of Vermillion. And frankly, he deserves that, so Lyf doesn’t interrupt.

Lyf only takes a day to retrofit the cells. There’s a (locked and bolted) door connecting them, a flap that can be looked through but not fit through since it’s been nailed shut, and a lot of toys for Vermillion. Alexandria has promised not to escape when moving from one cell to another on pain of losing cat sitting privileges. Vermillion is enjoying the catnip treat toys.

So now all there is to do is wait.

And process a stack of paperwork taller than they are to process to mob members that von Raum and la Cognizi left at their fucking door.


	3. Chapter 3

Marius had finally come up with an excellent plan to replace the gifts of mob bosses. Regrettably, it involved talking with the Traitor. Marius ingratiated himself to her early, by flopping over her lap and purring. She loved purring. This was an excellent strategy. Then he waited until she was changing from one book to the next, and looked up at her with his best pleading eyes and drooping ears. While he and Raph were gone, she managed to wrangle book privileges. By being a traitor. Marius could smell Vermillion on her.

Ivy shoved him out of her lap, and he hissed in displeasure.

“Just tell me what you want, Marius. You don’t need to woo me first.”

“Hack Lyf’s Spamazon wish list for me? Please?” He looks up at her with the sweetest eyes possible, if now on the floor.

“What will you give me for it?”

“Mmmm. The pleasure of my company and purring?” Marius tried batting his eyes at her.

“I get that anyways. Try again.”

Marius huffed and went to go bite her. Regrettably, Ivy had learned to predict him, and so there was no more leg there. He pretended that he had just been rolling over. She wasn’t fooled, no way, but it was good for his ego. So. He stretched out comfortably on the floor.

“Mmm... I’ll obey any orders from you for at least three days.” Ivy did not look up from her book. “I’ll stop fighting with Vermillion and trying to get out when Lyf lets you move to the other cell?” Ivy raised an eyebrow. “And obey any orders for three days?”

“Go get me tea. Don’t kill anyone. And I want it brewed to my standards of perfection.” Marius groaned. “Do it or lose your access to Lyf’s Spamazon wish list.”

Marius scrambled off the floor and decided to speedrun a breakout. She hadn’t stated a time limit, but he was going to need multiple tries to get tea to the level that Ivy expected. So. It was time to run. He did, however, have enough time to hiss dramatically at Vermillion as Lyf came in.

“What- get back in your cell, von Raum!”

“Can’t do that, Inspector!” Marius gives them a cheeky little wave. “Have to get Ivy tea! Oh, fuck, she didn’t specify what type- I have to get Ivy a  _ lot _ of tea. I’ll be back!” He ran off to a despairing cry from Inspector Lyf.

“You’re not her fucking deliveryboy!”

Oh, how wrong they were, now. She was definitely going to have him running all over New Midgard. Maybe farther, if she thought she could get away with it. And she could, fuck. The last time he’d exposed a weakness to her he’d spent a century paying that off.

Luckily, tea shop employees were easily bribed by shoving a lot of money into the tip jar and showing them Raphaella’s spreadsheet of Ivy’s tea requirements. She never said that  _ he _ had to be the one to make it. Exactly the loophole he needed.

Ivy took one sip and shook her head. “Wrong.”

He wilted. “How is it wrong? I used Raph’s spreadsheet!”

“It needed to be steeped for 5 more seconds.”

Marius frantically types that into his phone. “Okay, so. Spoolong at 173 degrees for 197, not 192 seconds, with one teaspoon of leaves per 245 milliliters?”

Ivy nodded. In the background, Lyf groaned.

“Alexandria, please don’t encourage breakouts.”

“I need my tea, Inspector. Vermillion may be an excellent cat- Marius, stop that.”

Marius stopped hissing.

“Thank you. So. Vermillion may be an excellent cat, but I’m afraid that the lack of opposable thumbs handicaps tea making.”

Lyf blinked.

“You realize that part of being in jail is not having all the comforts of out of jail, right?”

Ivy sipped at her tea pointedly.

“You’re- you’re still drinking it. It’s clearly acceptable. Von Raum, no.” They pressed their hand right on his face and shoved him back in the cell before closing it. “No more escaping today.”

“But! Inspector, the tea! I have to get her tea!”

“I’ll call this a successful task, if only so that I can keep cat sitting duty.”

Marius relaxed and flopped on the floor.

“Back massage, Marius.”

He scrambled back up and started rubbing her back.

“Alexandria?”

“Yes, Inspector?”

“Why is von Raum obeying you, and how can I make him do that so that I can get a break?”

“You can’t.”

Marius wiggled his eyebrows at them.

“Marius, stop wiggling your eyebrows at them.”

Marius started wiggling his ears at them.

“And your ears. And don’t even try your tail.”

Marius drooped and focused on rubbing Ivy’s back the way that she liked it.

“Seriously, how are you doing that?”

“Equal exchange, Inspector. I have simply offered something that Marius considers to be worth obeying me for, quote, at least three days, un-quote.”

Lyf paled.

“Three days?”

“At least. Keep up. You can have the same service from Marius, if you make it worth it to him.”

“And what have you traded for with Alexandria, von Raum?”

“Don’t tell them.”

Marius drooped a bit. Lyf was actually asking him a question without being rude and in a way that implied that they wanted him to be on best behavior occasionally. Like, perhaps, a date? And where is he? Cockblocked by Ivy Alexandria. So fucking rude.

“Well. I don’t suppose you and la Cognizi make the same sort of trades? Having a day without worrying what the three of you are doing would be worth quite a lot.”

“I’m afraid not. Your best bet there is still Marius. If you hadn’t figured that out from how he turned us in.” Ivy reached up and scratched behind his ears, making Marius purr. “Traitor. And pigeon as well.”

“Hey, it’s been a fun vacation! And you’ve got book rights now, so it really basically is a calm vacation where you get to read and enjoy the company of two people you love.”

“Hmmm, I think it would be calmer if you two weren’t dragging criminals and shiny objects in front of Lyf and pretending that that’s in any way a clear declaration of romantic interest.”

Lyfrassir gaped at Ivy.

“Right! I have to go now. I’m taking emergency leave. Goodbye, do not follow me.” They reached into the other cell, scooped up Vermillion, and after letting her give a token hiss at Marius, left.

He drooped over Ivy’s shoulders.

“Ivy...” She shoved him off of her and went back to her tea and books. “Ivy, why?”

“They didn’t know. Now maybe the two of you will finally get there. And I’ll get points for actually communicating.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works! I think you just freaked them out!”

“Well, at least they’re freaking out about the right thing, now.”

“Are they? You didn’t mention you’re obliquely courting them.”

“There is a 43.2% chance that they will realize that without further prompting, and a 30.5% chance that they will realize when they open their cabinets and realize that their tea quality has improved and has not needed to be restocked. From the remaining 26.3%-”

Marius let her breakdown wash over him and calm him. Ivy listing percentages was excellent soothing background noise. He noted the 9.87% chance that they would not realize, and decided that that was more likely that she thought.

Ivy might have been excellent at predicting people she knew, but new people were often a bit more likely to show off the margins of error, and someone they’d known for less than a decade was still new. Marius was better at immediately predicting new people, and he was pretty sure that Lyf had to be brought around to realizing that they were being courted, not shocked into it. Like to apocryphal frog. He was pretty sure that was apocryphal. However, he wasn’t going to bring that up. Instead, he very very slowly left the cell and then got in the other cell and rolled all over Vermillion’s toys and space.

Petty? Maybe.

But she was getting kisses and love from Lyfrassir, so she’d live.

\---

Marius stared at Vermillion through the catflap.

Vermillion stared back.

He flicked his ears at her.

She cocked her head to the side, decided that now was the right time to annoy Marius, apparently, and opened her mouth.

“You’re a very big kitten.”

Marius felt himself bristle in annoyance.

“I am an  _ adult _ , thank you very much. I have been alive for multiple millennia and-”

“You don’t even know how to hunt prey properly! You’re living with a bird!”

“She is my  _ friend _ and my  _ love _ and I don’t need to be constantly hunting her! I could hunt her if I wanted! I have! That’s why she’s in jail!”

“You’ve got to actually follow through, kitten. She’s still very alive.”

“She doesn’t die, anyways. I mean, she does, but she comes back. Anyways, there’s more fun ways to eat her.”

“Unlimited prey?” Vermillion’s ears perk up, and she stops grooming her paws. “Maybe you are smarter than I thought. You’re still a kitten, though. Did someone do this to you?”

Marius looks around in confusion, and then at himself. He has no idea what she’s referring to.

“What? This is just who I am. I don’t- nothing’s changed, yeah. Look, I’m fine. Nothing weird.”

“You’re all big and human. That’s plenty weird, kitten. And you can talk to humans, but you don’t have any toys in there. And no one’s waiting on you.”

“Hey! I have- Ivy and Raphaella pet me all the time.”

Marius attempted to wiggle his hand through the slightly opening catflap, frowning and trying to steal a toy.

“No.” Vermillion swiped at him, and he pulled his hand back, pouting. “You only talk kitten too. I was trying to talk to you and you just talked human-noises. And your accent is horrible.”

Marius frowned again. This was becoming a theme.

“I mean. I definitely understand you more than most cats. And you have a much larger vocabulary.”

“Let’s test your hearing, kitten.”

“Not a kitten!”

“If you sit quietly, I’ll slide some of the catnip over. And a toy.”

Marius sat back on his haunches and considered. That was a pretty good bargain.

“Okay. Deal.”

“And when the book-human and the bird come back, no complaining when book-human pets me. And I get to show you how to hunt properly.”

Marius bristled again. 

“No! Ivy is my human, and so is Raphaella!”

“Ah, well. I suppose hunting can be a later lesson. Now. Tell me when you hear what I’m saying.”

Vermillion started saying nonsense, and Marius babbled along until her mouth started moving and he couldn’t hear her. She sighed.

“You’re hard of hearing.”

“I- I have better hearing than all my human friends!” Marius pouted. “I can hear bats. And mice from far away. I can hear a lot!”

“Not as much as me. So. That explains why you couldn’t hear me when I was talking. We should work on your accent, now.”

“I don’t even talk to any other cats,” Marius wailed. “They’re boring. I don’t need to know this! I need to work on sending Lyf more things from their Spamazon wishlist!”

“Oh, and another thing. Kitten, you’re definitely too young to be courting.”

“I’m in a  _ polycule _ !” Marius flopped on the floor and covered his ears with his hands. “I’m already courting! I’ve courted! I still court! I know what to do!”

“Well you certainly haven’t shown Lyfrassir your butt and screamed at them. I would know. Because they haven’t spent that much time away from me when I haven’t seen you.”

“I- well- that’s not how humans do it.”

“You’re a cat.” Vermillion pointedly groomed her ears.

“I’m also a human! And humans don’t show their butts and scream. Besides, that would be more like. A hookup. I want to date them. Romantic.”

“Weird. Well. We’ll get to courting last, then.”

“I don’t need lessons at all, though.” Marius rolled onto his back. He wished that literally anyone else was present so that he could escape. However, Ivy’s last order had involved a very complex date plan for her and Raphaella, and Lyf had ‘paperwork’ despite the fact that Marius hadn’t dropped any mobs into their lap for at least a week. Paperwork. More like leaving Marius to be tortured by their cat. They wouldn’t torture him, but they would let Vermillion do it. Rude.

Vermillion, who had smaller arms and paws, reached through the catflap opening and clawed at his scalp.

“Ow! I haven’t attacked you! Why do you keep on attacking me?”

“Because you’re not paying attention to me, kitten, and I’m teaching you. Now. Repeat.”

Marius glared at her and decided it wasn’t worth calling out for Lyf, who would probably just laugh at him. Or take a video and give Vermillion a treat for bothering him. So Marius opened his mouth and sat through her pronunciation lesson.

Eventually, he yawned in the middle of words three times in a row, and Vermillion paused.

“Good enough for today. Kittens need rest.”

“Not a kitten. Adult.”

“If you were an adult, you’d have a human to get you out of this cage like I do right now.” Vermillion’s tail swished back and forth, and she raised her voice. “Lyf!”

Marius felt sudden doom overcome him and rolled over. Lyf was standing in the doorway, with a phone camera pointed at him. They saw him spot them, and started laughing.

“Marius. Why are you meowing with my cat?”

Marius wondered if he had plausible deniability.

“We... were... talking about how you should give me human toys to make up for the fact that Vermillion gets cat toys.”

“No we weren’t.”

“You can talk to cats, von Raum?” Lyf is still laughing. “Do- do you use them as informants?”

“Huh. No, good idea. Most of them are pretty dumb, though. You do have a smart cat.” 

Lyf finally put their phone back in their pocket, and walked over into Vermillion’s cell to scoop her up. They started scritching behind her ears immediately. Marius was not jealous, and he was not growling quietly.

“No, I have a smart human.” Vermillion is about to say more, but then she just starts purring at the scritches.

“Aw. He’s chatty, today. Having a good time with von Raum?”

Vermillion just purred happily. Marius should probably have that talk with Lyf soon about how the New Midgard police were horrible at identification. On the other hand. Vermillion clearly didn’t care. So. He didn’t bother.

“We had an excellent time. Gossiping. Talking about you. Learning.”

“You certainly were meowing enough for it to be a gossip session, yes.” Lyf giggles a bit. Marius really, really wants to hear them do it again, and what was definitely not a growl breaks off as he tries a tiny meow and watches Lyf smile more. Fuck yes. He’s finally figured out something they like. “I’d better get home to feed Vermillion. Goodnight, von Raum, dinner will be here soon for you. Please don’t cause more paperwork overnight.”

“No promises, Inspector!”

Marius waved cheekily until Lyf is out of sight, and then went to curl up in Raph’s empty nest and make his dastardly plans. The mission to determine what noises he could make that Lyf would find cutest was a go. He  _ would _ figure out how to romance them without ‘help’ from Ivy or Vermillion.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regrettably, I have grown serious. Yes Marius is still a catboy no that won't stop me.

Alexandria was actually worse than both la Cognizi and von Raum, Lyf decided. Yes, this was an ever-shifting and fluid ranking system that they used, but she hadn’t topped the charts before, so this was still something that they noted as impressive as they let Vermillion purr soothingly on their chest. He was a good cat.

Lyf wondered if it was unrealistic to wonder if they could clicker-train Marius. They definitely couldn’t train Vermillion, who had found a clicker and eaten it, but they could try training Marius. Lyf got out their phone and pulled up new videos on how to clicker train Marius, and scratched behind Vermillion’s ears as they did so.

Vermillion swiped the phone out of Lyf’s hand three videos in and sat on it.

“Please give me my phone back?”

Vermillion purred. Lyf got up and went to go find an old phone to act as a decoy, because they were pretty sure that they could clicker train Marius. Or, at least, similar. They were pretty sure that if they just started dropping his first name when he was doing things they wanted, Marius would be eminently trainable.

Or at least they hoped. He had been the one to drag la Cognizi and Alexandria into jail, so maybe it could be helpful to have him actually listening to Lyf. As much as someone who was partially cat ever would listen to anyone. If nothing else, Lyf would love it if he could just stop making even more paperwork for them. Escape on not their shift, don’t leave criminals at their door.

They pet Vermillion quietly.

“I have no clue how to absorb what Alexandria said, Vermillion. Hm. That’s a bit of a long name. Dignified, though. Verm? No... Lion? That’s a better cat name, I think. It is a cat name, after all. Maybe a bit... overdone?”

Vermillion licked their nose very gently.

“Hmm. Could do Millie. I don’t.... Think? Cats care about gendered names. Maybe Emile? I think that could be quite fun. Pretty gender neutral, maybe? Based on what the troublemakers talk about.” They start scratching behind her ears. “You’re a good cat.”

He just licked at their nose again, and Lyf giggled and smooched him on his little cat head.

“You’re so good! I love you.” They kept on scritching at him gently. Emile is a good, good cat. “Hmm. I got the fancy wet food for you. No more dry food. Excited?”

He mrrped.

“Alright. C’mon, let’s eat.” Lyf scooped up their lovely cat and headed to the kitchen, where they gently dropped him on the countertop.

“So. Alexandria claims I’m being courted. That doesn’t seem right.”

Vermillion dug into the food and absolutely ignored Lyf. But they don’t really need input, just a sounding board, so that’s perfect for Lyf. They smooched his little cat head again.

“I mean. Presumably.... I could see la Cognizi. She brings me actually useful things. All the data. And at least sometimes it’s very pretty.” The bouquets of USBs and wire twisted together are always very interesting. Or at least, they think they are. Lyf deliberately does not look at the shelf full of her wire creations that they set up a while ago.

They are a fully functioning human being who is not a disaster with crushes on their fucking prisoners, because that would be horribly inappropriate and the power dynamics involved would be horrible and Lyf was not going to do that. They spent way too much time being the worst cop possible to suddenly conform to cop standards now. And it would disappoint their moms.

Vermillion made disgruntled cat noises, looking at Lyf. Lyf reached up and pet him more.

“Not your fault, dear Vermillion. She’s just hot. They’re all hot. And I absolutely cannot act on that. I mean, have you seen la Cognizi? Her wings... she makes such comfortable looking nests, too.” They repositioned their flop on the counter and looked at him happily. “On the other hand, you’re enjoying some nice turkey dinner right now, so I guess she’s got to smell pretty good to you, mmm? Please don’t eat her.”

Vermillion took a bite of his food.

“Oh, well. I’ll keep you well fed, and you won’t have to worry about hunting. No outdoor kitties here. Only well-entertained indoor kitties.” Lyf finally got up to figure out their own dinner. They probably couldn’t order take-out just because they felt like they deserved a treat after that day. They do, but that’s what the little molten chocolate cakes in their fridge are for. Treats for the worn-down. If they consistently had at least ten of them in total between their fridge and freezer, well. They had to run around even when they were doing paperwork and they would worry about the healthiness of it whenever it showed up on their mandated bloodwork. And then they really would worry, but whatever for now. They had too much to worry about to get into that.

There was a knock on the door. Lyf automatically dove behind the kitchen countertop and remained absolutely silent. Alas, this apparently did not dissuade whatever intruder had come for them, and so Lyf fumbled for their taser as they heard their lock slowly sliding open. They were presumably going to need it. Still. Until they knew what was going on, they slid the setting to the lowest possible.

Electricity was fucking nasty for Migardians, after all. So they’d wait to see if it was one of the prisoners before sliding it all the way up. Those fuckers had something different and weird going on.

Their door opened.

“Inspector? Raphaella informed me that I should make amends for my actions, today!”

Oh, no, this was the worst scenario. Vermillion hopped off the counter, already purring. Traitor. Alexandria cooed, and Lyf was pretty sure that he was getting pets.

“Hello, dear Vermillion. Where is the Inspector hiding? I come bearing gifts. Do you know if they prefer Spchinese or Spitalian? I brought both, but I don’t know which one to heat up.”

Lyf squinted. That seemed wrong. Alexandria was exactly the type to have calculated which one they were more likely to enjoy and be accurate based on what they had eaten in her presence. So clearly this was another trap. But why? They couldn’t determine that.

“You see, dear Vermillion, I’ve been forcibly reminded that for people I have known for less than a decade, the probabilities or their actions have a much wider margin of error. Regrettably, this normally doesn’t come up, but it has today. So. Food opinions?”

Lyf sighed. Alexandria wasn’t going to go away, and they felt bad about how electricity affected her specifically. So. They tucked away their taser and stood up.

“What do you want, Alexandria?”

“To apologize.” She looked serene, but she always did. So there was really nothing they could use to determine if she was telling the truth. “Specifically for informing you so bluntly of the fact that you are being courted by the three of us. Marius and Raphaella are both very upset at me. So. Forgiveness, faster than you will otherwise- material gifts would most likely get you in trouble, but bringing over food is a simple and effective way to show that I care and do have the ability to determine what people need for comfort.”

“Hm.” Lyf reached over and carefully dragged the spitalian over. “Spchinese heats up better. Assuming you’re leaving the food.”

“What we don’t eat, yes.” She pulled out utensils and sat down at their kitchen counter. “Assuming I am welcome to remain.”

“I... suppose? You did bring it, after all. It would be rude to refuse you this.” Lyf also just really doesn’t care enough to even try to throw her out. They know they would fail. Better to be sitting at their kitchen counter where at least she had much less reason, presumably, to attack them. She usually had reasons for things, even if they were esoteric. So they pulled out their own utensils and sat down with her.

“You now, of course, are aware that we are attempting to court you, in our own ways. Apparently we have not been particularly successful, given the surprise you showed. What did you think we were doing?”

“Being particularly annoying, mostly,” Lyf admitted. “Riling me up. Just to see if you could. And continuing when you realized it was working. I mean- the prisoners just felt like- look, I could make more work for you whenever I wanted, and I want it a lot. Raphaella’s gifts were a bit more helpful, but. Not by much. Still more  _ work _ and sure, the two of them consistently at least send truly awful people my way, but then you three all consistently act like you understand that being a cop isn’t an option.” They stop, and rub at their forehead. “Don’t be wearing a fucking wire.”

“I’m not. Although in the interest of disclosure, my brain does allow me to record all interactions that I have for the archive. However, in current history, my brain has been unhackable. So you have no need to worry. It is highly unlikely that anyone will ever be able to break through my ever-evolving firewalls. I would place the probability of such an action at roughly point zero zero zero three six percent.”

Lyf blinked. .00036 was very low, but there wasn’t much they had ever been able to use to determine if Alexandria was lying, anyways.

“Alright. Sure. As long as it’s more amusing to have me free, huh?” They poke at their food. They’ve lost their appetite.

“It is also highly unlikely that we will all three agree that it would be better to have you in trouble with your employer.”

Ivy was eating at a steady pace. Lyf picked at their food. They tried to think of questions, but there wasn’t much to ask. There was a lot to ask, but nothing they thought she’d answer. Vermillion was sprawled on the countertop, enjoying his best life by getting pets from both of them, so at least someone was enjoying this. Maybe Ivy was also.

Lyf decided to give it a shot.

“So I know how Marius and Raphaella thought they were courting. How did  _ you _ think you were courting me?”

“I’m preventing them from kidnapping you. And proving cat-sitting.”

Lyf blinked at Ivy.

“No, I am serious. Standard procedure for mortals that one or more Mechanism enjoys. No reason to possibly waste their life in an uncertain environment on a planet. Take them back to our ship, keep them away from the rest of our friends, and enjoy them while we can.” She shrugged. “Most people adapt within a standard year. Some don’t, but that's a fairly low risk for us, and most ask me to assess mortals they’re thinking of kidnapping. Frankly, I think you would do much better on the Aurora. But you wouldn’t adapt if you were kidnapped. A regrettable tendency towards caring about your family despite not talking to them for the past fifteen standard years.”

Lyf put their utensils down.

“Please go.”

“I’ve said something that upset you.” Alexandria frowned. “I don’t know what it was. I won’t let them kidnap you. I’ve extensively informed both of them about the possible consequences.” She kept on talking, like any of that was supposed to be comforting. And maybe it would be, once Lyf got over her calling them still looking out for their moms the best way they could a regrettable tendency.

“Alexandria, please.” They trembled, slightly, with the need to throw a punch or something. They stomped it down. “Just. Go.”

She got up, still frowning in confusion, and left. Lyf scooped up Vermillion in a hug, and decided that they were going to be best served by just going to bed. They didn’t want the food anymore. They’d take it to the local garden’s compost bin before work, in the morning.

“I wish I had vacation time, Vermillion.”

He licked up Lyf’s tears, as they fell.

Lyf pulled out one of the last sweaters their moms had knit for them, curled up in it in bed, and just let themself cry and wish they could leave without guilt overcoming them. It would be wonderful, to just let themself get swept away. Let themself dissolve into whatever sort of chaotic moral code the prisoners even had and just get to enjoy themself.

But the moment they left there would be no one left in the system to cover for their moms.

They didn’t ever let themself get far enough along the train of thought to consider what that would mean for the rebellion, if they stopped desperately trying to cover everything they could.

(They also didn’t stop to consider how they really, really weren’t needed. They still couldn’t abandon their family.)

And tomorrow they were going to go into work, like normal, and continue to work, like normal, and just be glad that apparently even Alexandria didn’t understand why.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes in order to fits for sits you have to make it yourself

Lyf wasn’t acting like their normal self, today. They hadn’t been, on and off, since Ivy had left to go apologize. Raphaella was still out of jail, working on figuring out a new way to court Lyf that didn’t involve making for work for them. Marius thought she had started in the wrong place, given that breaking out sadly involved paperwork for Lyf. However, if he just stayed in the prison, there wasn’t nearly as much paperwork.

Which was how Marius justified breaking out to use the coffee machine. He’d smuggled in everything that he’d noticed Lyf using for coffee, and was going to try leaving a full travel thermos on their desk. The problem here was to decide what to add. He felt like an RPG character in a Space David Cage game desperately trying to cook a meal but only getting the wrong inputs. He finally gave up and left the coffee on their desk. It had a pinch of salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and some chocolate, as well as all the espresso shots he could fit into the thermos, and left it there, before scrambling up a cabinet and carefully hiding.

He wasn’t super hidden, but people didn’t look up generally, and it was a nice snug nook. He curled himself up, eyes gleaming in the shadows above the cabinets, and waited for Lyf to come in to work. 

Someone came in and tried to swipe Lyf’s coffee.

Regrettably, there were very few places to hide a body in the New Midgardian prison, so Marius just tucked the body into a different person’s office and then crept back. He was a bit miffed that Lyf didn’t get their own office. It would be a lot easier to leave gifts if they did.

Hmmmm.

Marius took out his phone and started writing a pros and cons list. On the one hand, they definitely deserved their own space. Cons, they would no longer be right next to the cells. Also, Vermillion definitely didn’t need that many different territories. Lyf’s home, her own cell, and Lyf’s office? No. That was way too much space. Maybe he could just get their cell and the area right outside of it with Lyf’s desk declared their office? Get them a door.

Marius tapped on his phone screen in thought. Their superiors probably wouldn’t care. They had already given Lyf the murder desk, so. Closing off the murder room would probably be okay, they’d just figure that it would be easier for him or his friends to kill Lyf. So that was a good move! Marius went about hacking in a work order to get Lyf a door and their own coffee machine and microfridge. Hell yeah. Vermillion already had the space anyways.

Something was touching his tail.

Marius found himself in the vent system, tail puffed out. Hm. That was probably an overreaction to his tail getting touched. He turned back around to head back to the cabinet. If it turned out that someone else was trying to steal Lyf’s coffee, he could always just kill them again and maybe start a body pile.

Vermillion was in his space. Marius glared at her.

“Are you the one that left the bad drink on Lyf’s desk?” She snagged his shirt as he tried to leave again. “It’s stinky, and bad for their body.”

“They like it! They’re going to drink it anyways, I might as well make it taste better!”

“You shouldn’t make the bad drink enjoyable,” Vermillion scolded him. “Bad courting gift. No encouraging bad habits.”

“Technically almost everything they do is bad habits, so.” Marius quietly finger-combed his hair. “Not their fault. Bad place. But Ivy says I can’t just abduct them, so. I can’t really get them to a better place with better habits to build.”

Vermillion clearly considered, licking her paw.

“Is that your territory, where you want to take them? And the big warm fan-human’s?”

“Well, Ivy doesn’t really have territory, but yes, she does also want to take them. But she says that they wouldn’t do well, although she can’t explain why.” Marius shrugged. “Such is life. At least they’re not Ulysses!” Marius rolled his eyes. “We all knew that wouldn’t end well.”

“Hmmm. Well. Warm-unmoving human-”

“Ivy.”

“Ivy? Fine. Ivy hurt Lyfrassir. I don’t know what she said. She’s not my human, and I don’t care. She’s just a good petter.” 

Marius squints at her.

“Your understanding of people depends on if you care or not?”

“Like yours doesn’t.”

Marius thought about all the times he has ignored, deliberately or otherwise, things that people say because he’s busy doing his own things and just doesn’t care.

“Fair point. Okay. Is that why they left the coffee alone?”

The coffee is still on Lyf’s desk, lid open, just as full as he left it.

“No, they just thought it was poisoned and from their enemies.”

“Fuck. Okay, I leave a note next time, got it.” Marius typed that into his phone as a reminder. “Let Lyf know I left the gift. Do you think that will work? Wait, why am I asking you.” He glared at her. “You don’t know how humans work anyways.”

“Who’s the one living with Lyfrassir? Just drape yourself over their desk if you really want to get their attention. You’re a bit big to fit on top of their nice warm computer, but I’m sure you can try. Humans always pay attention when you sit on their computers.”

“Sage advice for you, I guess. Mine just shoot me and then roll my body off the computer. Well. I’ll live, in any case.” Marius slunk down from off the cabinets before Vermillion could try to offer up any more advice, and curled up in Lyf’s chair. He is prewarming it for them now. That’s a pretty good gift.

Lyf, regrettably, did not agree, and tipped Marius out of his spot and dragged him back, yowling, into his cell.

“I was just getting it warm for you!”

“You are _supposed_ to be in _jail_ , von Raum! Not on my chair!”

“Your chair is inside the jail,” Marius pointed out, pouting. “Just not in my cell. Oh! And the coffee is from me. It’s not poisoned! I don’t think? I wasn’t sure how to make it how you like it, but none of the separate ingredients are poisonous to you, so.”

“Fucking Hel, von Raum.” Lyf stopped dragging Marius and dragged a hand down their face. They were almost at the jail cell. Marius considered squirming away, but. That would probably fall under the realm of causing more trouble for Lyf. They looked up at the Ivy-disabled cameras. “Look. This whole place is under surveillance, yes?”

“Mm-hm,” Marius nodded. “Except since Ivy hates being watched by people she doesn’t know...” He gestures vaguely at the burnt-out husks of cameras around the walls. “Point? S’not like she’d let any of us stay surveilled. Except I think sometimes she thinks it’s funny and lets it go through when we’re, you know-” he mades a complicated motion with his hands sliding against each other and got his tail in on it since he didn't have three hands to represent all the action. “You’re looking at a camera dead zone, Inspector!”

Lyf dropped him.

“And none of you wanted to mention that earlier?”

“Thought you’d be told, honestly!” Marius spread his hands in confusion. “Y’know. Or that that was why we have two people assigned to us, before you.” Theoretically making it harder to just kill them both and escape, but realistically doing nothing. “But I really don’t think we could get lucky enough to get someone else like you, so I’m glad they didn’t give you a partner.”

Lyf sighed.

“Is la Cognizi going to drop some sort of information bombshell on me next? Are you all taking turns?”

“Mmm, I think she’s busy seducing and then betraying a scientist on the other side of the planet, so. Y’know, you got a few days before a new bundle of USBs and one of her fancy wire sculptures!” Marius processed the sentence fully. “M’sorry if? Uh, us not telling you we were camera dead zones was. Bad? It’s all fancy, too, sometimes it splits like we’re going somewhere- Ivy has a really neat program.”

“I... am going to hopefully go enjoy that coffee. Just. Don’t leave the prison.” They turned on their heels and stalked back off to their desk, just around the corner. Marius frowned, and lockpicked his way into his cell to curl up in Raphaella’s nest. He would have to find out what Ivy said. Whenever she got back.

Marius caught himself hoping that Vermillion will be soothing for Lyf and gasped at himself. He never expected betrayal from the inside. But here it is. Marius firmly put that thought out of his mind, and went back to coordinating when all of Lyf’s spamazon packages will arrive. He’d been holding them in a warehouse so he can de-box them so Lyf doesn’t have to. He’s considerate.

\---

Marius sprawled atop his cardboard throne in the lonely hell of his jail cell. Ivy and Raphaella haven’t come back yet. The nest no longer smells like them, either. It has been forever. Vermillion got tired of his sad wailing a few days ago, and was now only hanging out in her own cell. The throne was at least comfortable, and big enough that he could lie down all spread out in it. Good job, past him.

He had spent the past week just sadly flopped in different locations, wishing for Ivy and Raphaella. But no. He had no attention givers. Just Lyf, who had a door now, and stammered every time Marius was nearby. His life is suffering, and he is clearly unloved. He must scream.

He could only scream for so long, though, so he took a break from screaming to just mewl sadly as he dismembered a cat toy he stole from Vermillion. He’s going to put it back together with robotics for whenever she has her kids. He was going to be a good influence, by which he means, of course, a horrible influence. 

“Von Raum, _why_ is all of my spamazon wishlist scattered around my apartment?” Marius turned his head and saw Lyf squinting at him. “Is that one of Emile’s toys?”

He pouted at Lyf.

“Yes. I’m making it better.” He sighed dramatically and rolled over, dropping the toy and drooping over his throne. “M’gonna be a good uncle.”

“... If one of you three is pregnant, please just leave the system.”

“What? No. Vermillion’s babies! Ew, human kids.” Marius made a face. “Do not want one. I guess they’re fun to babysit since you get to hand them back to the parents at the end of the day and never have to experience the consequences of teaching them swears and how to throw knives.” Marius looked back at Lyf. “Er. Are you alright, Inspector?”

Lyf’s eyes were wide, and they looked pale. They searched Marius’s face carefully. He blinked slowly at them to try and put them at ease.

“Emile is _pregnant_?”

“Er. Yes?”

“Oh no. I’m not ready to be a grandparent! I don’t have kitten supplies! I’m never going to be able to get time off to help care for her and her kids... Does my vet even look at kittens that young?” Lyf started hyperventilating. Marius could see the train of thought, there, even if he didn’t understand it.

“I’m pretty sure literally every vet would look at kittens? And Vermillion will know what to do.” Marius had been slowly moving the bars further apart during his depression week so that he could slide through them, and apparently he was going to use this now to comfort Lyf, instead of for a prank later. He patted their shoulder gently. “She’ll be okay, and so will her kittens. Promise! If nothing else, I can call a friend, and he knows how octokittens give birth, so he can probably help with real cats. And I will make him promise not to blow up any moons.”

“I’m- moons? You have a friend who blows up moons? Fucking - gods, of course you do. Why wouldn’t you three have a friend who blows up moons!”

Marius carefully petted Lyf’s back and gently headbumped them. He was right here and available for calming pets, and they really need to take advantage of that. Vermillion, in the other cell, made direct eye contact with him before rolling her eyes. She must have picked that up from Ivy. Clearly Ivy was a bad influence.

“I will make sure he does not blow up your moon. And Emile will be fine! She knows what she’s doing, I’m pretty sure. And I’m sure that Tim would be happy to get a book about how real cats work. He likes helping animals!” Marius took out his phone and started texting behind Lyf’s back to Tim, telling him that he should do this. It’s a bit more complicated to send pictures of Vermillion but he thought he managed it. He did not check, though, since clearly what he should be doing is purring comfortingly for Lyf. So he scooped them.

Lyf yelped and flushed.

“I- please put me down, von Raum.”

“I was just going to take you to the cardboard throne!” Marius still put Lyf back down, but he pouted about it. “It’s comfortable. I padded it with the bubblewrap and other packaging. And you look like you could use a nap!”

Lyf rubbed at their forehead. “Fuck. Fine, but if anyone comes in, you’re trying to murder me, got it.”

“Mm, as if I want to. Not sure that’s buyable. I’ll think of something! It’s fine. Hmm. How do you feel about I’m literally a cat and I simply commandeered you for napping on? That’s super believable.” Marius flicked his ears and grinned at them. “But I can go with murder. Promise I know how to scratch without killing if it needs to be realistic. Hopefully not, though.” He scooped them up again. “Oh, uh. Can I borrow the keys, or do I need to lockpick our way back in?”

Lyf rolls their eyes and unlocks the cell door.

“The realism is going down every second, von Raum, hurry up.”

Frankly Marius did not need encouragement. He very carefully put Lyf down into the cardboard throne where it’s nice and padded and then curled around them, and started purring. Very quietly. Maybe they wouldn't even notice.

Then they started petting him behind the ears, and Marius just let himself go blissed out, pressed up against them and purring. They chuckled softly.

“Is this all I needed to do to get you to stop committing crimes, von Raum?”

“What’d y’say?” Marius tried to open his eyes more than halfway, but failed. He felt his tail wrap around Lyf. “Crimes? I can go do crimes.”

“No, Marius. The opposite of that.” Lyf kept on petting him, so Marius was okay with not going and doing crimes. “Now please don’t get upset, I can see Emile and she is allowed up here to cuddle me as well. You will still have the same number of hands petting you.”

Marius managed a weak hiss, but he didn’t care that much. Besides, on balance, it was better to let Vermillion also cuddle Lyf than to get booted out of the throne.

“It’s your own fault for building a plush cardboard box, Marius.”

“It’s a _throne_... and it can hold up to five hundred kilograms before collapsing. But look, it’s got a back, it’s a throne.” Marius managed to move an arm off of Lyf to point at the back of the throne. It was shaped like Aurora. He was very proud of that. “See? Throne.”

“It’s a wonderful and fancy cardboard box, yes.” Lyf sounded amused, but also impressed, so Marius let his arm fall back down. Vermillion had snuck in. Marius hissed, but only a bit, and then started petting her. “Very good, Marius.” Lyf scritched a bit instead of patting. “You might as well nap. Go on, I know you want to. I’ll yell if I need you to pretend to start murdering me.”

Marius flexed his claws and started very carefully kneading only Lyf’s jacket, and not them. Since they didn’t heal. He could be considerate, so there, Ivy. Before he drifted off, he heard another soft chuckle.

“Yes, apparently you can be, Marius.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello. regrettably it has once again taken more than 10k words for Marius and Lyf to positively interact. but they have :)


	6. Chapter 6

Lyf blinked sleepily up at the ceiling. They weren’t sure what time it was. Marius appeared to have gotten heavier in the intervening time, which was really impressive. Wait. Marius’s hair wasn’t that long. Or that shade.

La Cognizi shifted sleepily and drew one of her wings up over them, and they lost their view of the ceiling. They had apparently become sandwiched between Marius and la Cognizi at some point. Emile purred softly on their stomach. Intellectually, Lyf was aware that they needed to get up and find out what time it was and at least hit up a bathroom to get clean. Emotionally, Lyf was pretty sure that moving would be betraying two cats and one bird, and they weren’t sure if you came back from that, karmically. Marius was tucked up against them, and la Cognizi was on their other side. Lyf now knew that she cooed softly in her sleep.

They should probably be more worried that their brain decided that they were safe enough that la Cognizi joining the cuddle pile hadn’t caused them to wake up. If they thought hard, they did pull up a blurry memory of them sleepily waking up and being soothed back down by Marius. Which was its own separate problem that they could address later.

Emile yawned and stretched, getting her face right into their face.

“Hello, dear,” they whispered. They carefully raised one hand to scritch behind her ears. “I hear I need to get you a well cat checkup, since apparently my fellow officers are horrible at anything that requires their eyes.”

La Cognizi and Marius shifted closer in their respective sleep, murmuring. So they would be useless if Lyf ever needed someone who would wake up for threats. Good to know.

Vermillion continued to purr on their chest, and Lyf felt themself start to drift back into sleep. It wasn’t the worst idea. Whatever the consequences were, Lyf doubted they would get much worse if they let themself sleep just a bit longer.

Just a bit, though.

Lyf felt muzzy when they woke up. Then they quickly felt panicked. There was a hand on their chest and it held them down, and another over their mouth. They couldn’t talk. So they felt quite reasonable when they started to struggle, before they heard who was talking and froze.

“The two of you haven’t seen Edda. You haven’t seen Edda’s cat. You haven’t seen Edda’s body. You haven’t seen _anything_ that could possibly be Edda, and you haven’t killed Edda.”

“Of course not, Chief Inspector,” Raphaella chirped.

“Why, we were just wondering if we should go check on Inspector Lyf, make sure a health emergency hadn’t come up!” Lyf practically heard the smarm in Marius’s smile as he spoke. “After all, it’s a bit boring without someone to bother!”

“And there're so many health emergencies that could happen! Why, I was just talking to them about a gang I heard about that specializes in them! Little diseases in the bullets!” Raphaella gasped in what they hoped was fake horror. And fuck, did that gang really exist? “You don’t think they went after them, do you? Anything could happen! Oh, we’d better get going, Marius-”

Her wings started to rustle above them, and they panicked and tried to tuck in on themself, as small as possible, but a surprisingly strong leg kept their bottom half from moving. They really wanted to get the fuck out. And they couldn’t. For one thing, they’d have to get through la Cognizi’s wings, and that wouldn’t work, they might be able to punch through them but then she would kill them. She would absolutely murder them without giving a singular fuck.

Lyf heard, faintly, as Marius and la Cognizi extracted babbled promises from their superior about further amenities in exchange for not leaving in search of themself. Mostly, they focused on their breathing, in an attempt not to be heard. Hyperventilation was loud. For whatever reason- (courting, their hysterical brain supplied, remember? Alexandria told you right out. Of course they don’t want you dead)- Marius and la Cognizi were covering for their monumental act of stupidity. Falling asleep with a prisoner? Not immediately leaving when they woke up and there were two of them now? Did they _want_ to get put in jail themself and probably die? They made a note to have a talk with their brain and connect it back up with their self preservation instinct.

Lyf was pretty sure that they had one around here . . . somewhere.

“Should they still be breathing really quickly like that? Are they going to pass out?”

“I don’t know! Their blood oxygen never dips below _maybe_ ninety eight percent, and they were incredibly sick when that happened. I think it’s just a thing with the whole species.”

“Hey, Lyf?”

They felt their face being gently patted.

“I don’t think face pats are going to help them. Here, I’ve got a sedative!”

Lyf flinched away as they saw the flash of a needle.

“Put away the sedative, Raph, needles are a bad idea. What? No, Vermillion, I am not going to lick their face. You can try licking their face. I am going to be soothing.”

Lyf felt a weight settle over them, and was about to panic, but then it started purring. Too big to be Vermillion. Had to be Marius. They weren’t strapped down. They were probably okay.

They also felt a tiny tongue on their cheek, and hands that made biscuits on their chest.

As they slowly became recentered, they heard a soft crooning. It sounded like la Cognizi. She had been cuddling them, hadn’t she? They were pretty sure she had been. They blinked slowly at her. Marius’s face was hidden in their stomach, so they couldn’t blink at him. They thought they remembered him being settled all over them, but he must have moved. His hands were still kneading gently right on their chest’s exoskeleton.

“Back with us, Lyf?”

They nodded.

“Good. Don’t worry!” La Cognizi smiled widely at him. Her hair framed her face perfectly. “We got Ivy to fiddle with some footage. So it looks like you had a nasty run-in with some disease-ridden syringe bullet things. Honestly, they don’t even fly straight since they can’t just use dart guns.”

They blinked at her again.

“Well! It’s not important, except that you’ve stumbled home on the records, and pretty soon we’ll have the fake camera-you come into work at the dead of night probably hallucinating a bit, and then you can simply go about your life!” 

“What time’s it?”

“About ten! At night, not in the morning. You’ve only lost about a day and a half!”

Lyf’s stomach rumbled, registering its protest that they had slept for so long.

“Oh! Of course, food. C’mon, Marius, up you get, we need to be good hosts!”

Marius grumbled and scraped his claws down Lyf a bit. They sighed. There was a mark until their next molt.

“Marius, please let me get up. If nothing else, I need water. And. Well.”

He just grumbled more, and wrapped around them. They looked up at la Cognizi and silently pleaded for help.

Vermillion jumped up from the floor onto Marius and yowled right in his ear, causing him to flail and fall out of the box.

“Fuck! I’m up! Don’t yell at me!”

Lyf was honestly impressed, but on reflection, it was obvious that the only way to move a cat without feeling guilty would be the application of another cat.

“Thank you, dear Emile.” Lyf scrambled upright before their lap could be claimed by either cat and headed to what was, at least, thanks to the door, their private bathroom.

Having a private bathroom meant that Lyfrassir was certain that if anyone was going to walk in on them, it would be one of the Mechanisms. So they pulled out their hidden baggy of toiletries without worrying about being walked in on by someone who would demand access to their secret toothbrush and wet wipes.

When Lyf finally exited the bathroom, Marius and la Cognizi had managed to set up a whole kitchen in the cell next to theirs. It was rudimentary, but there was an oven, a range, and some sort of griddle.

Lyf was mostly concerned about where they had gotten all the food. Marius was in the middle of frying what looked like some sort of pork, and la Cognizi had-

“Put _down_ the flamethrower, la Cognizi!”

She jumped and looked over at Lyf, which swung the flames almost into Marius, who yelped and dropped to the floor.

“Lyf! I’m just speeding up the boiling water! It’s perfectly safe!”

“You almost flambéd Marius! Off! Turn it off right now!”

La Cognizi pouted, but turned off the flamethrower and took it off.

“I’ve cuddled you, and you won’t even call me Raphaella? Marius gets to be called Marius. And!” She brightened up and pulled out a small wire sculpture from behind her back. It looked like Emile, but with wings outstretched. In the center a USB hangs, suspended by thread.

It’s beautiful. Lyf’s breath caught in their throat, looking at it.

“Alright. Maybe. If you stop using things that could get me killed, like a flamethrower, near me. Honestly. If not for me, think about poor Emile.”

Vermillion licked her paw gracefully on Lyf’s desk, well away from the cooking and fire zone, as she was a smart cat. Raphaella looked over at her and frowned.

“Marius, clearly we need to have a talk about smart cat behaviours. Vermillion is being much smarter than I was led to believe cats were when it comes to self preservation. I think you and Ivy perhaps both are wrong, hm?”

“What!” Marius jolted up from his space over the range. “It’s just because Vermillion isn’t immortal! I specifically said that my disregard for danger was because I was a cat _and_ I was immortal! Vermillion, back me up!”

Vermillion meowed.

“Traitor! If you were immortal you would do whatever the hell you wanted too!”

She meowed more, longer.

“What! I am _perfectly_ sane for an immortal, thank you, and fine, if you _and_ your kittens were immortal you definitely would.”

She started grooming herself, and Marius huffed in annoyance and turned back to the range, turning off the heat before pulling multiple eggs, two blocks of cheese, and a pepper grinder out of his arm. Lyf wasn’t sure how that all fit.

“Raph, is the water nearly boiled?”

“Hm? Oh! Yeah, it’s boiling. I just wanted to get it even hotter.”

“Then put in the pasta?” Marius’s voice was incredulous. “C’mon, otherwise there won’t be enough heat to cook the eggs and get everything creamy! This is a delicate operation!”

“It could be simpler if you’d just gone for a curry!”

“They barely even have peppers with the climate on this planet, I didn’t want to shock their tongue with what _you_ need for something to be spicy.”

“It’s not my fault the bird genetics make it hard for me to register capsaicin!”

Lyf watched the back and forth, and ultimately decided to sit down with Emile in the safe zone as the two of them bickered over the small cooking area as they slowly pulled together a meal.

Lyf blinked, and missed where the bowls and forks came from. Eventually, however, Marius produced a bowl of what he said was called carbonara. It was warm, and filling, and Lyf had watched it being made so they knew there wasn’t any mint in it.

“Thanks, you two.” They offered up a smile, and had it returned fourfold in the brightness of Raphaella and Marius’s smiles. “I’m really fucking hungry. So. I appreciate it.” They dug in, and managed to suppress a moan. “Gods, what’s in this?”

“Just some cheese, eggs, uh, pancetta, and you know, salt and pepper!” Marius smiled at them. “No mint! I checked your allergies.”

“A bit weird, Marius,” they said, making a slight face. “Given most people can’t actually access that. But also touching?”

“Don’t forget the spice rub on the pancetta, Marius.”

“I actually did. Forget. I don’t know what’s in there. Just that it’s delicious. One moment.” Marius pulled his phone out and did something on the screen. “Uh... oops, it does have cayenne. Do they have cayenne peppers here? And just. Generic spices. Hm. Shady. But delicious!”

Lyf drained their water bottle, mouth burning a bit. But in a delicious way, so they really weren’t going to complain.

“I think Asgardians have the market cornered on them, because when I saw crates labelled peppers, it was on a smuggling case. They were bright, and someone touched the insides of one and then their eyes and very much regretted it. But this is nice! Although I think I would also like some more water.”

Raph pulled a water bottle out from underneath their desk. Lyf would have sworn there wasn’t one there a second ago.

“There you are! All for you.”

Lyf drank a bit and then went back to their food. For a while, there was companionable silence as the three of them dug into their food. Emile left the three of them to go consume her wet food after complaining when Lyf refused to give her any of the carbonara on the grounds of it being bad for cats. Raphaella and Marius followed their lead, and moved to sit next to them on the desk. It was nice, regrettably.

“This can’t happen again, of course.” Lyf only spoke up when the three of them were done with the dishes. “The sheer danger of it all- no. I could’ve gotten caught. You two would have survived, but I very much would not have.”

“What about something else? We’re inventive!” Raphaella spread her wings, wrapping them around both Lyf and Marius. “Promise we can come up with _something_. Besides, you should take Marius to your upcoming vet appointment. I’m sure Vermillion would like representation.”

“I- what? Cats don’t normally get- he would be spotted in an instant!”

“Nah, I can put on a fake mustache. And frankly, now that they know about the ears and tail, if I just hide those and change up a bunch of other characteristics- my walk, I can mess with my voice, a number of things, really- we’ll be fine! C’mon, what if Vermillion hates the vet? Wouldn’t you want me there to convince her?” Marius gave them a wide grin and butted his head into their shoulder. “You know you would!”

Lyf groaned.

“No, that’s. Incredibly irresponsible. And I am not going to do that. Absolutely not.”

\---

Lyf sat stiffly at the veterinarian’s office. Next to them, Marius sat with Vermillion’s carrier on his lap, and was meowing softly with her. Lyf had no idea what the two of them were saying. They almost wanted to ask, but down that path probable madness lay. Marius had done something to his hair, lightening it, and it was already big enough with the curls that no one would go hey, that man has no ears! Lyf’s coworkers certainly hadn’t. For decades. When he showed up at Lyf’s apartment, he walked completely differently, with a wide and sprawling gait, and showed Lyf a small insert under his tongue that changed his voice. All of that, combined with what Lyf would admit was excellent contouring, meant that he was in fact hard to recognize.

Lyf would not admit that they’d recognized him only because he brightened up upon seeing them. That would be entirely too much information for him to have. So now they were at the veterinarian’s office with a Byron Andersen, who was definitely not Marius von Raum, even if he meowed at their cat in the exact same fashion. 

“Are you two... enjoying yourselves?” Lyf eyed Marius out of the corner of their eyes. “Or is this a complaining session you’re doing?”

“Bit of both! We’re complaining about the smells. It does not smell good in here. The vanilla-y scent is a bit overpowering, and we can both smell the antiseptic cleaning smells. Which is better than smelling nasty rot, so, we do appreciate that.”

“Uh. Okay. Well.” Lyf eyed Marius again, in what was becoming a habit, and settled in for what was going to be their strangest veterinarian’s appointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all excited for the vet next chapter.  
> Because I sure am.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At some point this whole crackfic grew a plot and I'm not sure how, but it did happen.  
> Vermillion finally gets to the vet as Lyf attempts to be a responsible cat owner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific cws, since. I think I should slap 'em in.  
> Graphic violence (Neck injury, taser)  
> Brief mentions of syringes  
> Medical experimentation (discussed but not done)  
> Bad vet practices.  
> RSD!

Marius hated keeping his ears pinned back. Hiding them was a pain. They wanted to react. Also, the science that Raphaella had had to do hurt. He was grateful! But it still hurt to put in the magnet ear piercings that kept them down against a headband. And then it hurt more when he wanted to move them, and couldn’t.

Still, it had been worth it just to see the look on Lyf’s face when he did the reveal. And it was worth it to go out and about with them now. But he did wish there was a way to change that. Maybe Raphaella would come up with a cloaking device, one day. She had one for larger objects. Just not his moving ears.

His tail was, arguably, worse to deal with, but frankly he got away with it because people had bad fashion sense and thought a somewhat furry belt fit with the rest of his outfit. Idiots.

He wasn’t, however, quite sure how that would all stand up against a vet. And yet. He still had Vermillion on his lap, and listened politely as she complained about the whole process of veternarian’s visits.

“It’s undignified. I would tell you and you would tell Lyfrassir if anything was wrong with me.”

“I know, Vermillion.”

“And nothing’s wrong! I don’t need whatever a well cat checkup is. I’m a very well cat. I don’t need that checked up.”

“I think the purpose is actually-”

“And Lyf said that they might try to shave my belly to check on my kits! I need that hair for warmth!”

“I’m sure Ivy would knit you a cat sweater.”

“Even  _ more _ undignified. No. Why aren’t you getting a well cat checkup? You’re a cat. Have you told Lyf the last time you went to a doctor?”

“I am a doctor. I don’t need to go to a doctor. And I’m immortal.” Marius saw Lyf eyeing them out of the corner of his eye, and grinned at them.

“What is she saying?” Lyf looked interested, and opened the carrier to pet Vermillion. “It sounds like you’re both getting a bit heated. Or at least intense.”

Marius felt himself flush, and his hands waved vaguely in the air without waiting for input from him.

“Nothing- just talking about how the vet isn’t dignified. Which, well, it really isn’t.”

“Neither is the doctor for humans,” Lyf pointed out. “Especially once you get older. It really just gets even less dignified over time.”

“Yeah, but you can communicate with the doctors, so it’s at least a bit different.”

“Er. That does bring up a point I wanted to ask, actually. Are all cats- well, as sapient as Emile is? Because then this  _ really _ gets into some interesting legal and ethical grounds.”

“Not outside of Yggdrasil!” Lyf did not look reassured, so Marius went on. “I mean, look, I haven’t talked to  _ that _ many cats in this system. They  _ might _ not all be at least somewhat intelligent- I’m not sure I’m qualified to define sapience. But frankly, given all the shit that Odin’s ancestors did, I don’t know why you’re surprised.”

“I don’t know why I’m surprised either.” Lyf sighed and leaned back. They were getting the lines on their forehead that meant a tension headache was in their future. “Fuck. Fine. Cats are all wandering around with human intelligence.”

“Eh! I mean. I would say they’re mostly more like parrots. Which, you know, still really smart-”

“Marius, I don’t know what a parrot is.”

Marius blinked at Lyf. 

“They’ve, uh, got some on Asgard. Maybe I’ll see about getting a video? Uh... hm.” He rubbed his chin, which let him both look wise and stim with his beard texture while he thought about another possible animal. “Do you have... whales? Dolphins? Although arguably- if people could communicate with them- well. Do you?”

“Er, yes. We... did. Before Bor. Then they all left.”

“How do... how do they just leave?”

“He wanted them to be able to pull his space vessels. So they used their new power to fly through space and left. That’s when the system’s defense grid got made. Absurd amount of money, and it doesn’t even stop more than one of ten ships,” Lyf grumbled. “So much work for us, too, fixing it and cleaning up after what it doesn’t get. Nevermind what happened to the ocean ecosystems. At least that’s not transport police’s job.”

“You got them grumpy,” Vermillion noted. “Look, their hackles are all raised.”

Lyf’s shoulders were hunched, and they did, somehow, manage to look like a cat with hackles raised. Marius smoothed a hand over his own. He was lucky it was just his neck. And that his hair was curly enough that no one ever noticed when they did go up. His dad had had his hair reach all across his shoulders.

“Sorry, Lyf. The, uh. The point is that they’re pretty smart, but they’ve pretty much all failed the mirror test? Or similar- obviously I’m not flashing a mirror at all of them- the point is that. Not to get into types of intelligence, but no, I wouldn’t say that all the other cats I’ve met here are nearly as smart. Sapient. Whatever. If you want to get into the debate on sapience and how to define it and when non-humanoids should be treated as human then you should talk to Raphaella and Ivy.” Marius shuddered. “Make sure you don’t want to hear anything else for at least a month. They go on and on and it’s  _ interesting _ but I don’t really want to listen to nothing else for a month.” 

Lyf looked a bit shell-shocked, and leaned into Marius. He pet their hair soothingly.

“It’s okay. Emile is an unusual example of intelligence. Honestly don’t know how she crams all that knowledge into her little cat head! And comparatively you do have a small head, Emile,” Marius said over her complaint. “She’s - well, I don’t think that anyone would argue she’s not sapient and with human-like intelligence, but she’s an outlier, and should not be counted. At all.”

“Alright.” Lyf checked their watch. “Gods, it’s usually pretty bad, but forty minutes behind?”

“This is why you took the whole day off, isn’t it?” Marius moved Vermillion’s carrier to the floor, despite her protests, and swung his legs over Lyf’s lap. “They’ll get us eventually. Want to let Vermillion out and we can all nap?”

“Marius, not everyone can sleep for more than half the day.”

“I don’t always! Sometimes I just sleep a normal eight hours!”

“Normal on Yggdrasil is-”

“I know, I know, more like six. Fuckers. There’s humans out there that would kill for the ability to thrive on less than eight hours. Some people need  _ ten  _ to feel rested.”

“Not my fault. I am simply enjoying the benefits of a horrifying regime and genetic experimentation. If they would-”

“Edda! Room Three!”

Lyf jolted up, and scooped up Vermillion’s carrier. Marius yowled a slight protest at his legs being unceremoniously dumped on the floor, and scrambled up to follow after them. The smell of the place did not get better as they went back. The sanitation smell got even more pungent, and Marius noted that Lyf’s nose wrinkled as well. Under it, there was the sickly-sweet smell of anesthesia, and a growing note of old blood.

Marius was not enjoying the vibes of this place, although the spyelp reviews had been excellent. Maybe he should have scoped it out himself.

Vermillion narrowed her eyes in the carrier.

“Don’t worry, Vermillion,” he murmured to her. “Lyf and I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“I won’t let anything happen to me,” she corrected, “but you’ll make sure that I don’t have to hurt Lyf by running away.”

“Marius, if you keep on meowing, the vet  _ will _ want to look at you,” Lyf whispered as they put Vermillion’s carrier on the table in the middle of the room, and let her out. “Actually, when’s the last time you got a check-up?”

Vermillion’s face is the smuggest that a cat can get. And as Marius knows, that’s very smug. Luckily, the question was interrupted by the vet tech actually coming over. She cooed at Vermillion.

“Oh, you’re a lovely cat!” The tech held out her hand, and Vermillion sniffed it before allowing her to apply pets. “So well behaved, too. And you said she was found on the streets?”

Lyf nodded.

“Yes. She was going to get sent to the shelter, but, well. I’d been wanting a cat for a while, and some friends of mine also wanted to be sort of... cat uncles and aunts,” Lyf glared at Marius as he snorted. “So. I took her. Although when I got her, I thought she was male, or I would’ve pushed for an earlier date.”

“Well, she looks very healthy. I’ll just get the basics down, and then we’ll see about getting the vet in.”

Marius watched from his position of background lurker as Vermillion was weighed, and her eyes and ears and mouth were checked. The vet tech continued to coo about how brave Vermillion was, and what good condition she was in for having come off the streets. She found a few old wounds on Vermillion, and noted them on her chart.

Marius was impressed, although he made sure not to show it, at the sheer number of hidden scars Emile’s soft and fluffy coat was hiding.

“She’s got a little- almost like a tattoo, here, under the fur, Mx. Edda.” Lyf leaned forward and looked where the vet tech directed, and was then promptly bumped out of the way by Marius.

“Hey!”

“I gave you time- huh! That does kind of look like Emile hit up a tattoo parlor. Did you, Vermillion?”

“No! That’s just my birthmark!”

In the background, Marius heard the vet tech talk about how cute it was that their boyfriend meowed at their cat, and how good he was at impersonation.

“If you say so. Why do you have a little rainbow door on you?”

“I don’t know! I was born near it, so I have it.”

“You know, in retrospect, that explains a lot.” Marius moved back and sat down, smiling at Lyf and the vet tech. “Don’t mind me, just enthusiastic.”

Lyf rolled their eyes at him, but didn’t press as he pulled out his phone and started hacking around. He looked for papers on possible Bifrost gate exposure, and was frankly unsurprised when he found nothing on official servers. He sent off a text to Ivy, letting her know to please take a look and that Lyfrassir would probably also be interested, if she was still looking for an apology for whatever she’d done.

“Hey, Midgard to Marius. Now that there’s no vet tech...” 

Marius looked up, full of trepidation, and saw Lyf smiling wide and petting Emile.

“No, I don’t think we need to go back to that conversation.”

“I think we do! When  _ was  _ the last time you got a check up?”

“Er. Well, I’m immortal, so it doesn’t really matter? I’m not going to run into issues that I can’t fix with a quick death. Or just waiting!” Marius grinned, and then registered that Lyf looked distressed. “It’s not an issue! Promise! Literally, I’m fine.”

“I’m going to help Raphaella if she says she can do a yearly checkup.”

Marius wilted dramatically, and got up just to lean into Lyf, which caused them to stagger under his weight.

“Lyf. Lyf, what have I ever done to you?”

“Do you want this in alphabetical order, chronological order, or order of frequency?”

“None of those, thanks, I just want to be dramatic.” Marius yelped as Lyf collapsed onto a seat. “I’m not that heavy!”

“If you’re going to be dramatic, I’m just going to sit down so you can just sit in my lap. Yes, I’ll lose circulation, but it’s better than unbalancing you later and making you complain even more.”

Marius felt as though he probably should protest that, but he really couldn’t. So he just scrambled into Lyf’s lap and pressed his head under their chin.

“Raphaella should not be allowed to do check ups. She is not a medical doctor.”

“From what I’ve heard, neither are you.”

“Not my fault that I never get to finish a degree. I have more than ten almost degrees. I got good grades for all of them! It’s just. I don’t finish them.” Marius tucked in on himself. His tail was stuck, so he couldn’t wrap it around himself in a comforting manner. He was just stuck, vulnerable and open, on Lyf’s lap.

Lyf started slowly petting from his head down his spine, and hummed soothingly. They wrapped their other arm loosely around him, so he could escape if he needed to, (although of course he could anyways if he didn’t mind hurting them, but dammit, he did,) and Vermillion didn’t interrupt.

“Hey, I didn’t realize it was a sore spot. It’s okay, Marius. If you say you have the knowledge, I trust you. I’m just- does whatever gives you your immortality track your hormone levels? Iron levels? Hell, you three spend a lot of time in the cell- vitamin D? I have to take thyroid every day, after all. Well, I would, I just got a customized implant- not the point.” They pressed a kiss between his ears. “I just worry about people I care about.”

Marius whined a bit, before he forced himself to stop.

“I don’t know. Raphaella might. Y’can text her? But. No. No not-me doctors. I’m qualified for surgery and bloodwork and basic care and everything. At least on the types of humans that my friends are.” Marius sighed. “I guess I’ll have to ask Ivy to give me her pirated copies of medical texts from here so I can add you to that.”

“Well, I appreciate it.”

“Would you trust me to do surgery on you?” Marius asked, and then immediately felt a twist of regret in his gut. Why would they? He doesn’t even know all of their biology.

“Well, right now just in an emergency scenario. But once you’ve gone through the books, I would. More than Midgardian doctors.”

Marius thought that he should relax, but he couldn’t. Especially since despite his ears being pinned back he heard the veterinarian approaching.

“Okay.” He clambered off of their lap and moved to the chair next to them. “Thank you. Vet’s coming.” He looked ahead, and took a moment to settle into being Marius von Raum, who didn’t have any issues, thanks.

That didn’t really hold up when the vet entered and Marius had to hold back a hiss. The vibes were awful. Whoever this so-called ‘Egil’ was, Marius wasn’t interested, and he was not going to let Emile get taken away from this room, either. Based on her reaction, she would agree.

Emile hissed at the vet. Lyf fussed over her, and their hands hovered around but did not touch.

“Oh, Emile- be nice, he’s just going to check you over. Then I’ll take you home.” She pushed against Lyf’s offered hand, away from the vet. Marius didn’t blame her. “C’mon, dear. Just a quick look.”

Egil snapped on his gloves like a douche. Marius knew no one actually snapped on gloves like that. They could break. Marius sat in his chair, radiating a grump field to fill up the room. Lyf side-eyed him, but stayed close to Emile, which was, in Marius’s opinion, the correct option. Marius could take care of himself. Emile could not.

He watched Egil like a hawk throughout the whole procedure, and when he suggested taking Vermillion to the back, just for a few tests, Marius couldn’t stop a growl. He could smell blood, sedatives, and the faint scent of upset animals all over this man, and  _ yes _ , he was a veterinarian, but that didn’t mean that he should smell that bad. 

Marius regretted growling when the man turned around to him, eyes sharp. He’d seen that hunger before in Raphaella, and it was only acceptable coming from her. From anyone else, well. Marius felt his hackles raise and suppressed a wince as his ears attempted to move. No weakness could be shown, here, as the veterinarian pulled on a new set of gloves and snapped them, just like before.

Marius wished he could just kill Egil. Maybe he would. Lyfrassir probably wouldn’t be horribly traumatized.

“Oh, are you also here for a check up, then?” Egil’s voice took on the same soft and cooing tone that he had used on Vermillion. While the vet tech had done similar, in her voice it was fine. In Egil’s voice, Marius felt like nails were scraping down a chalkboard. “You weren’t on the appointment list. But I suppose the vet techs wouldn’t be told if there was a new morph.” Egil pulled out a penlight and flashed it in Marius’s eyes, and his eyes lit up with joy when Marius hissed. “Oh, quite interesting. Slit pupils, canines, what else?”

“Claws, asshole, back off.” Marius pressed his claws right to Egil’s throat, and flexed them slightly before moving his attention to check on Lyf. “I think we should leave, Lyf. Now.”

Behind Egil, Lyf already had Emile back in the carrier, and was in the middle of stealing her paperwork. Marius was in love.

“Could I just get a bit of blood?” Egil’s eyes had gone dreamy. “I thought I’d never see a new morph again. I wasn’t even aware there were mammal morphs. You’re an amazing piece of work.”

“No!” Marius shuddered at the thought. “And if you come after us, I’ll make sure you never find work as a vet again.” Marius flexed his claws again, drawing blood from Egil’s throat. “Seriously. Don’t come after us, don’t try anything, and - put  _ down _ the syringe or I will rip your fucking throat out on the floor and not regret it.”

Egil swallowed, the idiot, and his skin tore, but the syringe did clatter to the floor and Marius stepped on it, shattering it..

“I- understood. Could I just- please- is that a tail? How much feeling would you say you have- we never managed-”

Lyf tased him, and he went down. They winced, and backed away from his body.

“Oh. He might be more sensitive than the rest of us. Hm. Well. He’ll be fine eventually. Let’s go, Marius, I paid up front.” They shoved their taser back under their jacket, and clutched the carrier to them. “I don’t suppose you can steal a car?”

Marius lit up, and felt himself grin wide enough that he was surprised his head didn’t fall off.

“Why, Inspector! Of course I can steal a car. Haven’t you seen my rap sheet?”

“Alright, dumb question,” they groaned. “Now come on.” They grabbed his hand, and power walked out of the clinic, waving happily at the vet techs as they went. Marius managed a smile as well, right up until he got into the car and sped away, with an important question on his mind.

“What the  _ fuck? _ ”

“I don’t know! I didn’t- no one should even be doing genetic experimentation anymore! It was about the most outlawed thing! No one wants to deal with everyone being slightly different every generation! The sheer amount of doctors necessary!”

“Well someone is still doing it, Lyf!”

“I guess!”

Marius swerved into a parking lot and parked the car.

“We should switch to cabs, now, that’s easier.”

“Marius, I am not running away into space with you. He’s not-” Lyf stopped, looking sick. “He won’t report me. You, he might come after, but me? No. And I can’t-” they covered their mouth, and breathed as though they were breathing into a paper bag..

“Can’t what, Lyf?”

“Can’t. My moms. I cover up for them. I can’t just stop that.” Lyf clutched Vermillion’s carrier tight. “So. Can’t run away.”

Marius sighed.

“Okay. If we train a replacement for you who’s part of the rebellion,  _ then _ will you come with us? Please?”

“I really doubt you’ll find anyone willing to do that, but you know what? Sure. If you can guarantee the safety of my moms- and that they won’t be miserable- then yeah. I’ll go with you three.” Lyf rubbed their forehead. “And best of luck to you.”

At least it was a goal to work for. And then maybe he could kidnap Lyf! And Vermillion. She was a fun cat, after all. Although he’d have to not tell Brian about the whole Bifrost bit, he had been having a lot of prophecies about the Bifrost ending everything when Marius had left with Raphaella and Ivy to get the story.

“Oh! I was checking the tattoo because I had a theory, and I was right. Vermillion’s so smart because she was born near the Bifrost gate.” Marius looked at Lyf, who showed no sign of comprehension. “It leads to weird shit? You know, like the whole police force dedicated to watching over them?”

“Don’t talk about them, that’s how you summon them.” Lyf looked around. Marius was not sure that they were joking. “But yes. Okay. Great. Emile is Bifrost-touched. Love it!”

Marius reached out and carefully pulled them into a hug, making sure that they could pull away. In his experience, people whose voices had gone that high were generally heading to a breakdown. Unless it was the Toy Soldier, who could just do that.

“Well, she hasn’t gone all squamous, so I think we’re okay. Or gooey!”

Lyf whined incomprehensibly.

“Alright. Do you want me to take you home? I can call Ivy and she’ll stock your kitchen with ninety-nine percent accuracy.”

“Mm-hm.” They nodded. “Please.”

“Alright. I guess.... Cab. I’ll call a cab, I’ll call Ivy, and get you home. Raphaella already decided to break out today, so she’ll probably stop by later.”

Lyf laughed, and then started crying.

“Oh, fuck. Hey, it’s okay. Look at me, I’m immortal! If that asshole does like, send people after me, I can just break out. Raph and Ivy will help! Maybe I can take down genetic experimentation factories from the inside! Not that I think there’s factories,” he clarified. “You’re going to be okay. Ivy will get your place stocked, and we won’t cause any trouble, so you can have an easy day tomorrow. Recover. And Emile can take care of herself, lots of cats give birth with absolutely no vet assistance needed. If nothing else, uh, I can probably steal the stuff? And quickly read some vet books? It won’t really be  _ professional _ but better than nothing.”

“Maybe,” Lyf muttered. “I. Yeah.” They took a deep breath and pulled back. Right in front of him, Lyf managed to pull themself together and look fine without doing anything but changing their posture and doing some deep breathing. Any of the Mechanisms could do the same, but it distrubed Marius to see someone be as good at it as Jonny without his millennia of experience.

Lyf smiled up at Marius, and he almost winced back at how fake it was.

“Let’s get home, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u again to juanpujolgarcia but this time for the rights on what happens at vet visits


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lyf gets care for the first time since they left home and also decides to go to Spetco (Space Petco)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cws for this chapter:  
> police brutality (discussion, lyf is praised for)  
> emeto (vague, no detailed description)  
> ^ both can be skipped by stopping @ They still had to go to work tomorrow and jump to They weren’t better, the next week  
> dissociation  
> self worth issues

Lyf was a bit disturbed at how accurately Ivy had stocked their apartment. Or rather, they thought they should be disturbed, but they didn’t feel anything. They went through the motions of cooking without thinking about it. They couldn’t say what they ate, although they were sure that Marius was involved, because they remembered hearing him and Vermillion whine, and that reminded them to refill Emile’s food and water bowls. She got a few small ones, scattered around the apartment, because Lyf remembered reading that cats liked having options on where to eat. They weren’t sure that was true, but they did it anyways, along with multiple litterboxes. They would need to get more, when the kittens came, but the bowls could probably be the same as long as they made them bigger.

Marius led them to their room. Lyf stared at him. It wasn’t late enough for them to go to sleep yet. It was only 11, and they didn’t have work until 7 tomorrow. They could get to sleep in an hour. And they should wait, or their brain would have even more time to give them nightmares.

They didn’t want nightmares. Especially not tonight. Lyf didn’t like- no. Lyf could be honest in their own mind, they thought, as Marius gently manhandled them into bed. Lyf hated using force. On the other hand, they also would have hated it if Marius was hauled off for scientific experimentation. On the third hand that they didn’t have, Marius could have handled it.

Lyf decided to stop thinking about what-ifs. There was no reason to.

Marius carefully laid atop the covers near them and started purring. On their other side, Emile did the same.

At any other time, this would have been ideal for Lyf. Two cats. Right now, it grounded them, and that was the last thing they wanted. They didn’t want to clear the fog in front of their mind. As long as the fog was there, they could take as much time as they needed to process, and no one who hadn’t seen it roll in would know the difference. Marius hadn’t before. But he had seen it now, and he wasn’t going away.

Lyf realized they were crying when a small rough tongue licked their cheek. Vermillion. Marius was purring on their other side, and making soft biscuits on them. They should probably object to that. But he was avoiding their exoskeleton, so they didn’t. Skin healed better from pricks, and reminded them that there was someone who cared.

Fuck. They were crying more, now.

Marius nuzzled at their face, still purring.

“There you are, Lyf. Come on back.”

They whined. They didn’t want to.

“I know, dear, it hurts.” Marius’s voice was strangely buzzy. Lyf realized he was still purring. “Better to get the hurt out now. Don’t leave me. I want you with me. I want to help. Please?”

Lyf’s voice cracked. They couldn’t quite manage words, just a broken syllable that meant nothing. Marius rubbed soothing circles onto their shoulder as they whined, trying to communicate anything and failing. They couldn’t even handle talking, like this. Lyf didn’t know why Marius would care about them, in this state. They’re not worth anything. But they felt themself rotated and placed on their stomach with their head to the side, and they found out that Marius is very good at back rubs.

Vermillion was very good at licking up their tears. They didn’t know if that was healthy for cats. But it probably wasn’t healthy for Marius or her to see them like this. They were sure, however, that they couldn’t piece themselves back together now. The fog hadn’t replaced itself with anything to bind them, just stripped them of concealment when it left.

Marius kept on purring.

Maybe that would be enough.

They still had to go to work tomorrow. Marius offered to have Ivy hack the system, but that would be suspicious, so they gathered the tattered remnants of their fog and went, and if they kissed him beforehand that was a secret between them and Raphaella and Ivy, and not for the foggy Lyf that had to drift through their work day.

Which was for the best, or they might have blurted it out in the meeting they were called to. They stood, steady and strong, in front of their Chief, and while they did not have to stand at attention they always did so. It was safer, like that. He was always mollified by someone willing to stand at attention. Lyf was fairly certain he wished this was the army.

“Heard you tased a vet yesterday, Edda!”

Yes, they thought. I did. And then I wanted to cry, and throw up, and I could do neither. They nodded.

“Good! Obviously, I’m tossing the complaint.” He nodded, sharply. “Good to see you shaping up. Maybe you’ll even get a raise this year!”

Lyf felt themself head towards sickness again, but nodded.

“Thank you, sir.”

“There was a report you were with someone?”

“Someone off the street who said they knew about Vermillion’s possible lineage.” They swallowed the taste of bile. “Left him on the edges of town, having commandeered a civilian vehicle, and tased him, when it turned out he lied.” Which, well. They had gotten out of the car at the edge of town. They hadn’t tased Marius, but. Close enough.

Lyf did not shudder, as they listened to the praise of their Chief. They stood, and smiled, and said everything right, and when the meeting was done, they made use of their own private bathroom, and Raphaella held their hair back and murmured words they did not understand into their ears.

They weren’t better, the next week. But they were normal again. Regrettably, the Mechs now knew what normal was hiding. Ivy still stocked Lyf’s house. They hadn’t had to go out and buy anything the whole week, and they’d been about to have to make a spcostco run for paper products, and all the basics. They were just glad that Ivy was at least following their brand preferences.

Marius stayed at Lyf’s house.

In the end, they think that’s how they came back out of it, this time. Normally, it’s a slow and slogging process, and they have never felt like they recover all the way.

It’s easier, with help. Marius caring for them helps them remember that life can be better. Raphaella came by and filled their freezer with meals that she prepped, with instructions on the top about how to heat them up in the oven and some weird dishwasher pods that didn’t care if Lyf cleaned the plates beforehand. 

They didn’t know how to handle this.

They didn’t know how to respond. They can’t ever pay the Mechanisms back. They notice, too, that Ivy must still be showing up, because they don’t have to purchase more food or anything. One night they collapse into bed and realize their sheets have been cleaned.

They tipped over the edge, and cried themself out into the arms of Marius and Raphaella and Ivy, held close and wrapped up in care.

When they actually started to process work again, Lyf realized that Ivy had been forging their handwriting excellently, because they are almost certain they don’t remember any of this paperwork, much less signing it and agreeing to it. No wonder they got away with what they now realized was weeks of recovery. They’ve heard of dealing with your problems before they become overwhelming and required weeks of recovery time, but that didn’t sound like something they could afford to do. Lyf simply couldn't afford any actual coping mechanisms. Mechanisms who can help them cope, apparently, they could afford. Or they just got, for free.

They lean into that fact, every time they go home. Vermillion speaks through Marius, and licks happily at their face, now that they’re processing words again. Through Marius, Lyf is solemnly told that her kittens are coming soon. So Lyf is going to have to make a trip to Spetco to get supplies, and beds, and cat toys. Everything new kittens could need. Lyf wrote up a list as they ate, and tried to figure out what kittens even needed. They yawned and leaned into Marius, having successfully finished dinner. Marius leaned over and smooched their head, which was really all the opening they needed to talk.

“Marius?”

“Yeah, Lyf?” Marius swiped at the plates, taking them to the sink. “Want dessert? I think Raph left us ice cream. And she shouldn’t be too pissed if we eat her ice cream.”

“No, I don’t want to eat her ice cream. I was wondering if you’d made plans for the weekend?”

Marius perked up immediately, ears perking up and tail swishing in excitement. He turned to look at Lyf, which let the plate drip onto the floor. Lyf was not going to complain, though. He’d probably clean up after himself. 

“I can change my plans! Or maybe Ivy can come with us! What do you want to do?”

“Nothing exciting. Just need to go to Spetco for Emile. And I thought you would know what she would like. Since they definitely won’t let me bring in Emile to try things out.”

Marius grinned at them.

“We can _definitely_ do that. I’ll even scope it out ahead of time! And if you want, Ivy can come, she’s good at knowing what people will like, that probably includes cats!” Marius leaned in close to Lyf, and at this point, Lyf knew what that meant. “Sound good?”

Lyf reached up and petted behind Marius’s ears, and enjoyed the soothing purring.

“Sounds excellent, Marius. Thank you. It’ll be nice to look forward to something, this weekend.”

Marius nuzzled back up against Lyf’s hand, and ended up in their lap. Lyf wasn’t going to complain, though.The later into her pregnancy Vermillion got, the less cuddly she was, more focused on figuring out a safe place to have her kids, eat, and sleep. So. Their cats weren’t fighting over who was getting cuddles and pets. Lyf enjoyed the temporary peace. Especially since soon, they were going to have to deal with a lot of kittens. It didn’t hurt that they were getting multi-species cuddles most nights. Apparently Raphaella, Ivy, and Marius _were_ all capable of staying out of jail. Lyf wouldn’t’ve believed it, without this. But it turned out that the Mechanisms were much more tolerable when they were making fun of Lyf’s taste in movies, rather than causing them emotional torment for fun. 

(This was questionable on Raphaella’s part, as they were almost certain that she was slipping something into their food. 

“Raphaella.”

“Oh fuck, Lyf! Hi. I, uh. I stole some of your medical information?”

“And that’s leading you to pour a clear-colored liquid into my foods.”

“Well, uh. It’s mostly a concentrated cocktail of calcium and a lot of the type of proteins I determined normally make up an exoskeleton.”

“My exoskeleton is _fine._ I don’t need any help with it.”

“Sure, but you’re really surprisingly low on nutrients, and I do think that’s affecting you, so.”

“Can you prove that that’s just. Vitamins, basically?”

“Sure, I’ve got an extra one!”

“No, don’t _swallow-_ you already have. Great.”

“Well! You can observe me, if you want! I promise, nothing bad! Although I think my hair might start growing in shinier and better? And maybe my fingernails. Excited to find out!”

Extensive monitoring indicated that she didn’t have any nasty side effects, so Lyf let her continue. Ivy confirmed that Raphaella had stolen their bloodwork, and agreed that yes, Lyf was very low on several necessary nutrients. Almost all of them, really, they needed more of. Lyf was very confused, but agreed that fine, Raphaella could keep on dosing them.)

Work was worse.

(They don’t dwell on work. Work was survivable.)

**Best Catboy:**

Hey Lyf!!! Going to be late. The Spetco employees think I am inventory. Actually! You and Ivy can just meet me at Spetco then :D 

**Ivy Alexandria:**

How much do you cost?

**Best Catboy:**

Only like .. one moment i have to do the conversions

Wow!!! Rude!!!! Theyve added a “second home” tag! Realistically if sold this would be like. Idk ivy how many places have we lived

**Ivy Alexandria:**

I think we can call it fourth. Where you were born, Aurora, Lyfrassir’s place, Spetco.

One moment

<Ivy Alexandria has hacked their contact name to: **Computer Warm and Hard** >

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

Why are you texting me im in bed. I’m sleeping. Its my day off.

Ivy why are you hacking my phone

MARIUS WHY ARE YOU STUCK IN A SPETCO

**Best Catboy:**

They had a comfy looking cat bed!

And i was right its super comfy

Food’s kinda shit tho. Wifi is excellent i guess.

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

Gods. what the fuck

Marius do i need to come break you out of the spetco

**Computer Warm and Hard:**

We could just buy him. I doubt he’s more than a hundredish?

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

A hundred-ish what, Ivy

**Best Catboy:**

Yeah a hundredish what? :3 did you learn the local currency ivy?

**Computer Warm and Hard:**

Yes I know the local currency.

I am sure Marius is cheap. I will place a down payment so they do not sell him to someone else.

**Best Catboy:**

[im_a_luxury_few_can_afford.spjpg] ((Marius has taken a selfie of himself inside a very large cat crate. He is laying back on a plush green cat bed, and his tail is in the bottom corner of the photo. He is looking at the camera sultrily.))

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

Is that a meme I don’t know

Also why are the Specto employees locking up someone with a phone who can talk

**Best Catboy:**

Idk but they keep on tossing in treats so I’m okay with this

Theres no outlet though :(

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

Can you wait until I’ve had breakfast.

**Best Catboy:**

Yeah that’s fine

Bring snacks treats aren’t super filling and the food is gross

I’m just gonna make vermillion her own food

Dont tell her that

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

Sure?

**Computer Warm and Hard:**

Too late

Lyf poked their head out from the covers and heard Emile meowing happily from the kitchen. Ah. That must be where Ivy had gone.

**Best Catboy:**

Fuck. Ivy why do I deserve this?

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

You got trapped in a Spetco and apparently can’t break out.

You deserve your punishment. You can break out of jail, but not a Spectco?

**Best Catboy:**

They have anti-child locks :(

**Computer Warm and Hard:**

Fucking hilarious.

Lyfrassir, I am making eggs benedict for breakfast. If you get up now, you should arrive in the kitchen when they are at the optimal temperature for consumption

**Best Catboy:**

I want eggs benedict :(

Actually i think i want fish theyve put me across from the fish tanks and its cruel and unusual punishment. Theyre pretty. I want to swipe them up and munch them. Ivy can i have fish?

**Computer Warm and Hard:**

No. You are trapped in a Spetco, and prisoners of war don’t get fish.

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

Getting up

And we can have raph’s fish dish for dinner she said my omega-3s were concerningly low anyways

Lyf put their phone down and rolled out of bed with a sigh. It’s Saturday. They wanted to sleep in. Instead, they now have to rescue their - Lyf flushed, and got out of that train of thought. None of the Mechanisms had discussed labels. Frankly, given that they all appeared not to age and Lyf was, they didn’t expect that they were more than a fling to any of them. So no labelling any of the Mechanisms happened, even in their head. That path led only to madness.

They squinted into their closet, and wondered what the fuck the temperature outside was. They had left their phone on the bed, so.

“Ivy?”

“It is currently 20.4 degrees Celsius outside, or 293.4 Kelvin.”

“Thank you!”

Warm day. Lyf pulled out shorts and a t-shirt. It was time to be casual. If only so that they could get in and out of Spetco without having to pull the godsdammed cop card. They were not ready to drop back into that particular pit of self-hatred and despair after just returning to tap-dancing around the edge of it.

So. They ruffled their hair a bit before they braided it. A messier braid meant not a public servant who needs to be impeccable, means not a cop. They also added in a few beads. It wasn’t like Ivy was likely to call them on it. They stopped themself before they got into exoskeleton painting. They were going to Spetco, not a date. Just because their arms and a bit of their top exoskeleton was showing was no reason to get fancy.

They flopped into the kitchen and onto a chair.

“Eggs benedict?”

Ivy slid a plate over to them.

“You are, every day, making up for being so rude. I love it.”

Ivy smiled slightly at them.

“I should give Raphaella credit, really.”

“That’s fine. I appreciate you doing this, in any case.” Lyf sighed, and cut into their eggs benedict. The yolk pooled wonderfully as they began to eat, spreading across the plate in swirls of golden color. “Got the good eggs, huh.” They absent-mindedly pushed away Vermillion, who tried to go after their eggs. “And she doesn’t get any.”

“No, she got her own food. And of course. Raphaella’s given me the speech.” Ivy sounded almost offended. “I went and got them from a farm where the chickens get to eat bugs, and all that nonsense that gives them more.... Whatever.”

Lyf grinned up at her. “You know what they have, don’t you.” She looked offended, and they laughed as Vermillion batted at their braid in annoyance.

“Yes, but people find it upsetting. Beta-carotenes, or that they’ve been dyed, but yes, I saw the chickens eat, so I’m fairly certain it’s the diet. It doesn’t actually do a lot besides change the color, but-”

Lyf’s grin got wider. They liked it when Ivy got going. She paused, looking expectantly for questions, and they did, in fact, have one.

“Why is Raphaella convinced I need more nutrients?”

She reached out and knocked on their exoskeleton, causing them to flush. They knew it wasn’t shiny, strong. Useless for display and for protection.

“It’s your whole planet, to varying degrees. At least the ones that don’t have Asgardian heritage. I suspect something in the water, but currently nothing has shown up. Can I have a bit of your blood? Raphaella doesn’t want to ask, but that should help her.” Ivy steepled her hands in front of her face and looked at them. “If there is something that binds genetically, it would make sense. And we’ve noticed that Asgardian crossbreed don’t have children, implying sterility.”

Lyf blinked at her.

“They’re a fully different strain, yes. We all know that. Did you think to ask?” She flushed, and they took that as a no. “There’s whole papers on this. I’m sure Raphaella has found them. Or Marius.” They snorted. “You all thought it was classified, didn’t you?”

“...There was a large probability that such important information would be highly classified, yes.”

“Yeah, well. Can’t prevent people from comparing bodies. I know my exoskeleton is a bit weak, but honestly, that’s just genetics. My parents didn’t have good ones either.”

“It’s genetic, but it’s more likely to just mean you need more everything than you’re getting. Were they short as well?”

Lyf bristled.

“I’m a perfectly- I’m within one sigma of normal height.”

“But on the short end. I suspect it’s just that you didn’t get enough nutrition. I haven’t found anyone with a similar genetic mix, but you were probably meant to be larger and tougher. You’re past puberty, but we can at least get your exoskeleton up to snuff. And you might stop being exhausted enough to need all that coffee if your body has enough nutrients to get everything done.”

Vermillion meowed approvingly behind Ivy. Lyf glared at her.

“Okay, you don’t get opinions on my caffeine use, you’re a cat and can’t drink it anyways. And Ivy, you could have just _told_ me.”

Ivy fiddled with her own fork.

“We didn’t want to upset you. And we didn’t think you’d know about the genetic variance as much as you do.”

Lyf sighed, and mopped up the last of their eggs.

“Do any of you three know how to communicate?”

“I believed so, but you are confounding my predictions to a frankly maddening degree. Regrettably, as I am unable to be helpful to Raphaella or Marius, and most definitely not to you.” Ivy shrugged. “I’ve worked to readjust, but my accuracy is only slowly recovering, despite working at it. There’s an interesting, almost distorting effect.” Ivy peered at them. “Have you ever been exposed to any influences?” 

“Uh. Like getting drunk?” Lyf is certain that is not what she means. “I really don’t know what you mean.”

“Hm. No, you don’t, do you. _Can_ we have some of your blood to test?”

“I would still rather you did not.”

“We wouldn’t give it to anyone else! It would be all our own equipment.”

“No, Ivy.”

Lyf picked up their plate and went to do the washing up. Ivy, at least, let them do some of that, and had gotten the others to do it as well. Doing nothing made them feel bad, in any case. So they cleaned, and watched Ivy text. Their own phone didn’t buzz, so Lyf guessed she was talking to Raphaella. When they finished up, they stretched, cracking their back.

“Right. Ready to go?”

Ivy looked up and nodded.

“I’m driving.”

“You have a car?”

“Yeah, Marius left his, and we all have the keys.”

“Marius has a car?” Lyf felt very confused. “Then why did we have to take a cab?”

“He got it after the cab.” Ivy stood up, and took Lyf’s hand. “Follow me. I have located the Specto that Marius went to.”

Of course he hadn’t just gone to the nearest one. Although maybe he had? Lyf couldn’t be sure, with that man. They sat in the passenger seat, made their plan of attack to get Marius back from Spectco, and as they started to fully relax, their phone buzzed.

**Chicken Nuggets:**

:( just like a vial of blood

Just one. Just- just a littttttttttle genetic test I wanna figure out what nutrients you need. What ingredience lyf 

**Lyfrassir Edda:**

No :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone who would like a rough idea of lyf’s even less human anatomy: they’ve got an exoskeleton now, babey! It mostly covers their chest, parts of their arms, parts of their legs, and a decent part of their back. Stomach & butt are skin, as is their face. Everyone else got to lean into their wild traits and so do they


End file.
